lie Arrival of Kitty 



/ PS 3537 
.W375 
,P7 

11914 A Farce in Three Acts 

Copy 1 



By 
NORMAN LEE SWARTOUT 

Author of '"-One of the Etght^' ''- Half- 
Back Sandy ^' etc. 



All rights reserved under the International Copyright Act. 
Performance forbidden and right of representation reserved! 
Application for the right of performing this play by professional 
actors must be made to the author, Norman Lee Swartout 
24 Blackburn Road, Summit, New Jersey, and all royalties 
should be paid to him. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1914 



T 



The Arrival of Kitty 

THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY ' . 

William Winkler. j / - ' 

Aunt Jane, /lis sister, 
Jane, /it's niece. 
Bobbie Baxter. 
Benjamin More. 
Ting, a bell-boy. 
Sam, a colored porter. 
Kitty, an actress. 
SuzETTE, Aunt Jane s maid. 

Scene.— The office of the Halcyon House, in 
the Catskill Mountains. 

Time. — One day last August. 

ACT I. Late morning. 
ACT II. Early afternoon. 
ACT III. Almost evening. 




Copyright, 1914, sr Norman Lee Swartout 

Ai author and proprietor y 

All rights resented 

APR 27 1914 

§)[;i.D 3G924 



^ 



1^ 



The Arrival of Kitty 



THE ORIGINAL CAST 

(jIs produced at The We&t End Theatre^ Neiv York CUy^ 
October 22 y I god) 

William Winkler .... Eddie Bower. 

Bobbie Baxter Hal Johnson.^ 

Benjamin More Edwin Felix. 

Ting Effie Pearson. 

Aunt Jane Edith Bower. 

Jane . . . . . . Vinnie Bradcotne. 

Suzette Pearl Reavere. 

Sam Fred Peel. 

Kitty Eve ken Dunmore, 



*NOTE 
Mr. Hal Johnson has appeared in the part 
of Bobbie Baxter over two thousand times. 



PLEASE NOTICE 

The professional stage-rights in this play are strictly re- 
served by the author to whom applications for its use should 
be addressed. Amateurs may obtain permission to produce 
it privately on payment of a fee of ten dollars (^lo.oo) for 
the first and five dollars (^5.00) for each subsequent perform- 
ance, or twenty-five dollars (^25,00) a week, in case that num- 
ber of performances be given, always in advance. Correspond- 
ence on this subject should be addressed and all such payments 
made, to Norman Lee Swartout, 24 Blackburn Road, 
Summit, New Jersey, though payment of royalty may be made 
as a matter of convenience through the publishers. 

Attention is called to the penalties provided by law for any 
infringements of the author's rights, as follows : 

"Sec. 4966 :— Any person publicly performing or representing any 
'dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, 
without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composi- 
tion, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages therefor, such 
damages in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred 
dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as 
to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and rep- 
resentation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty 
of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction be imprisoned for a period not 
exceeding one year."— U. S. Revised Statutes, Title bo, Chap. 3. 



The Arrival of Kitty 



THE FIRST ACT 

SCENE. — The office and tenvporary dining-room 
of the Halcyon House^ a hotel in a secluded 
part of the Catskill Mountains. There 
are three openings ^ L., R. and c. C. leads 
into hallicay or may show exterior moun- 
tain baclting. In u. R. corner is the hotel 
office desh, with mail-lox^ keys., register, sta- 
tionery., etc., etc. u. L. is a sideboard with 
dishes, etc. L.j[, is a small wall desk and 
R. c, a smaU table set for meal / L. c. a 
small settee I chairs, palms, ajpjpropriate pic- 
tures, 7'ugs, etc., complete furnishings. Over 
C. D. hangs a large sign marked " Tran- 
quillity^'' xohich is the hotel motto. 

As the curtain rises slowly. Ting, a srfiall bell- 
boy, in uniforrfi, and Sam, a big color ed^ 
porter, in large swallow-tail coat and fancy 
vest, with skin tight trousers, are discovered 
asleep ; Ting behind table r. c. and Sam 
with his feet ha^iging over end of settee, 

7 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

^^ ^^ -^t'^i '^ ^.^<^^''^^i of Mrde and dis- 
tant coK-lelU After a moment Sam snores 
move^, opens las eyes, stretches, yawns, gets 
^PMsat Tj^g. cAuekles ..^ly to Mm- 
7' 'T^V J^^'^y^^ones ! " and then shuf- 
Ji^ slowly of c, hut returns almost im- 
mediateiy bearing a letter. 



AM 



BeU-bov: ^^j youj [Gives him%csh wJdch 
tojrples him to floor.-] T\^ake up ! 

TlXG. 

jj^'l'^^V'^J''^ ^'^ ^^'^^^^' '^^'^n like a football-] 
Left tackle back. 4-r7-6-E-E. [^ith head 
low h^ riif.es aroundfront of table and bumps 
into bAM.] Down ! ^ 

Sam. 
[PuUing himself together:] Say. you younff 
rascal what's de mattah ? ^ -^ ^ ^^ 

TlXG. 

Gee, I dreamed I made a touchdown I What 
do^ou mean by waking me up at this unearthly 

Sam. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 9 

Ting. 
{Snatching letter r\ Well, why didn't you 
say so ? yBtad-% Utter. Bu^ness of Sam read- 
ing over dundder.] Well, what do vou think 
of that ? 

Sam. 
Anybody dead ? 

It's from the boss. Listen I [Beads letter.'] 
" Dear Tinglepaugh : I shall be detained by 
business in Xew York for a day or two and 
want you to take charge of the Halcyon House 
during my absence, not forgetting to preserve 
the tranquillity which is at present our chief 
asset." *• 

Sam. 

Dat's right I 

Ting. 

Shut up 1 — " For your services I shall pay in 
addition to your regular salary " [to Sam] which 
I do not get ! 

Sam. 
Dat's right : 

Ting. 
•* Ten per cent, of all business done before 
mv return." Gee I 



lO THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Sam. 
Hurrah ! 

Ting. 

" Hoping that I may find a full house await- 
ing me, I am, yours truly, Calvin Peck water." 
Is that all the mail there was ? ^ 

Sam. 
Yaas, suh — 'cept a telegram foh de boss. 

Ting. 
Well, why didn't you say so ? 

Sam. 
Ah did say so, didn't Ah ? 

Ting. 
Silence ! You may fetch the message, slave. 

Sam. 
[BUnki7ig.] Ah said de telegram was foh 
de boss. 

Ting. 
Well, I'm the boss, am I not ? 

Sam. 
My boss ? 

Ting. 
Certainly. Didn't you hear what I read to 
you? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 1 

Sam. 

Yaas, ma'am, but [Scratclies head.] 

Wal, wal, so yo' am de boss, eh ? 

Ting. 
I am the boss. "N^ow brino: me the telefirium. 
snake 

Sam. 
All right — woi^n. [Gets telegram from desk 
and hands it to TiXG. Half aside.'] De 
idocity ob dat kid bein' mah boss ! 

[Muifibles to himself. 

Ting. 
[After reading telegratn.] The rush has 
commenced. We're going to do a great busi- 
ness, Sam. 

Sam. 

Am it jx)ssible dat a boarder am gwinter 
arrive ? 

Ting. 
Not one, but a whole family of boarders — 
and I get ten j)or cent. How's this for be- 
ginners' luck? [Reading telegram.] '* Will 
arrive Halcyon H(Mise noon with two ladies, 
maid and dog. William Winkler." 

Sam. 
Sounds rich, don't he ? 



12 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

TiNCx. 

I hope he's a good spender. Did the bus 
meet the 11 ; 20 ? 

Sam. 
Yaas, ma'am. 

Ting. 
^ They ought to be here by this time. TSam 
^ Z«j.^W] Say, you make me nervous. 
What's the matter ? 

Sam 



{Laughing.^ Ah was jes' thinkin' day no- 
he h ^^^ ^ ^ gwintei- believe yo' de boss. He, 

Ting. 
And why not ? 



{PovnUng to hrass humns on Ting's rmi- 
JO^"^\ -Dose brass buttons am gwinter tell de 
tale. He, he, he! IPulls doion vestA Ah 
am t got no brass buttons on me ! He he he » 



Ting. 



nl.tV<^ ''I t^>^^f^*^0 Ah! [Puts arm 
about ^AU farmharly,-\ Say, old man, how'd 

days ^ ' Uh ^ "" "^^ ^'''''' ''''^^ ^""^ ^ ''''"P^^ ^^ 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 3 

Sam. 

{Crossing.] And me in mah shirt-sleeves ? 
No, sah. 

TiNcr. 

{Removing Au- jcvcket.] Not for a minute. 
Here. A fair exchange gathers no moss. 
[ Voice h^ard off stage. '" Whoa ! " Thsy listen.'] 
They've come. 

Winkler. 

{C>f stage c] Is this the Halcyon House ? 
[ Voice heard offstage. *' Yep.''] Doesn't look 
much like the pictures, does it ? 

[ Voice heard off' .stage. '' Nope. Git 
ap ! " Cracks wh ip. 

Ting. 

Sam, I'll appoint you my assistant. Do as I 
say and I'll give you two per cent, of all I 
make. 

Sam. 

Money speaks ter me ! {Removes coat with 
alacrity. Ting helps him on with jacket, which 
is muvli too small. Business.] Yo' kin have 
everything -Ah got on, Mistah Boss, foh two 
per cent. {Crosses^ trying to 7 nake jacket fit.] 
Trilie snuii:, ain't it V 



14 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 

Clinging effect is all the fashion this year. 
Now hurry to receive the guests and conduct 
them hither. 

{Places his cap on Sam's head ; it is 
much too small. 

Sam. 
{As he goes.] Say, Mr. Ting, it may be sty- 
lish, but Ah can't help feelin' kinder immodest 
in dis heah costume. 

{Exit c. Goes L. Ting laughs^ puts 
on Sam's coat, which is many sizes too 
large / turns up the sleeves, puts pillow 
in front and takes importa/nt attitude 
behind desk. 

Winkler. 
{Off stage.] Where is the office of this man- 
forsaken place ? 

Sam. 
Straight ahead to your left, suh ! 

{Enter Winkler, a jolly looking man 
of fifty fve, dressed in a fashionable 
business suit. Gray Jiair and small 
side whiskers / glasses on cord. Sam 
follows with his suit-case. 

Winkler. 
Good-morning, sir. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 5 

Tl^G. 

Good-morning and welcome to our moun- 
tain. {TJiey shake hands. 

Winkler. 

My name is William Winkler, from the city — 
you had my wire ? 

Ting. 
Ah yes, Mr. Winkler. Will you scribble in 
our autograph album ? 

Winkler. 
Yes. [He vyt^it'CS. 

Sam. 

\Pointing to buttons on jacket.'] Rich man, 

poor man, beggar man, thief [Significant 

look at TiNG.J Eeney, meeny, miney, mo 

Winkler. 
[Returning pen to Ting.] You have made 
reservations ? 

Ting. 
I think we can accommodate you, sir, in 
spite of the fact that we're having a splendid 
season. 

Sam. 
Catch a nigger by the toe ! 



l6 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 
The ladies won't mind doubling, with room 
for maid adjoining ? 

Winkler. 
Yery good. 

Ting. 
And you and the canine in No. 17. 

Winkler. 
What floor ? 

Ting. 
First door to the right. Beautiful room, 
southern exposure. 

Winkler. 
Now, look here, I don't want any exposures. 
That's why I'm here — to get away from things. 

Ting. 
Ah, but you've come to the right place, sir. 
Wonderful how nutritious the mountain air is. 
Why, when I came here two months ago, I was 
a mere stripling and look at me now. 

Sam. 
An' look at me ! {Tries to pull down jacket 

Winkler. 
Well, all I care about is the seclusion. Seems 
quiet ; put me down for those rooms. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 7 

Ting. 

We're very glad to put you up, sir. I'll 
make a special rate for the party, including 
canine, at fifty dollars a day. 

Winkler. 
{Shocked.^ Could I borrow an ear trumpet ? 

Sam. 
[ Counting buttons.] If he hollers, let him go. 

Ting. 

[In a louder voice.] I say forty dollars a 
day with dog. 

WlXKLKi:. 

liow much is it with meals ? 

TlN(J. 

All meals a la carte, sir. 

Sam. 
[To himself.] And Ah git two per cent. 

I higiires on sinall pad. 

Winklek. 

Well, my sister-in-law pays the bills, but, 
dear me, isn't that a little steep ? 



l8 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 

But remember where you are, Mr. "Winkler — 
on the side of a mountain — of course it seems 
steep to you, but then everything in the moun- 
tains is high, you know. 

Sam. 
Oh, yaas. [Ting signals Sam to keep quiet. 

WiNKLEK. 

Is it possible ? 

Ting. 

Ah, but consider your closeness to nature. 
Oh, you'll love it here, Mr. Winkler, especially 
at night, the noise is so silent, and then to be 
lulled into dreamland by the distant croak of 
the mud-turtles ! 

Winkler. 
Let that pass and come to important matters. 
First of all, where do you keep the bar ? 

l^Goes down B. 

Ting. 

Bar ! Bar ! — Now where have I heard that 
word before? Bar ? {^Coming out c. 

Sam. 
[l. c] Dere's a crow-bar in de cellar. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY IQ 

Ting. 

\^Near Winklp:r.j Oh, I know what you 
mean, but I'm very soriy to say that intoxi- 
cating beverages are strictly prohibite<l at the 
Halcyon House. 

Winkler. 
I can see right now that this is no place for 
me. When's the next bus ? 

S^Crosaes io c. and up. Sam stops hiin 
and 2>ulUn<j hrushj-rom pocket brushes 
him vigorously. 

Ting, 
[r. c] Just a moment, Mr. Winkler. I was 
about to say we sometimes make an exception 
in s|X}cial Ciuses and for a consideration 1 think 
I can lift the lid occasionally. 

Sam. 

[Mumhliiuj to hintsvlf.] Ah could see dat 
two |>er cent, gwin' right out de door. 

Winkler. 
[c.j That sounds better, but I must warn 
you to keep the bar bills separate from my 
sister-in-law *s. She's very strict ; has a perfect 
horror of whiskey, and the stage, and — oh, 
well, you know the kind. 

Aunt Jane. 
[Offstage.'] William! 



20 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

WlNKLEK. 
Yes, ray dear ! That's she. 

Aunt Jane. 

\^As she enters.] Can't we go to our rooms ? 
I'm a perfect fright ! 

[Aunt Jane in a typical old maid 
of about fifty — hoDiely^ ludicrously 
dressed in inappropriate styU and 
colors. SuzETTE, a pretty maidyfol- 
Imvs^ vrlth dog on chain. 

WlXKLEK. 

Certainly, my dear. How do you like the 
place ? 

Aunt J axe. 

The scenery is magnificent, William, and I 
think when I recover from the fatigue of the 
journey it will be delightful. 

Ting. 

We shall do our best to make your sojourn 
memorable, madam. {Crosses to c. 

Aunt Jane. 

[To Suzette.] Isn't he cute ? I'm sure we 
shall like it with such an attractive host ! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 21 

Ting. 
^Bowing l&w.] Madam, I am your servant. 
[Aunt Jank f/ict'« silly (jiggle. 

Aunt Jank. 
What numbers are we, William V 

TlNCi. 

Sam, conduct the ladies to Suite sixteen. 

Sam. 

Dis way, ladies. 

[^Opens door on l. and goes of. 

Aunt Jane. 

[Liitghing and coquetting in a silly tmmner. 

WiNKLKU <ind Ting talk.\ Sweet sixteen! 

He, he, he! [Hiding her face.'] How did he 

know ! He, he, he ! Come, Suzette ! {Kmt, L. 

WiNKij.i;. 

{To Suzette.] Where s Jane ? 

yCrossea to c. 

Suzette. 

On the piazza, monsieur. 

\Krit, L., inith dog. 

Wink ler. 
[Oo'ing to u. c] Jane! Jane! Come in 
here ! [After a moment Jane enters c, slowly. 



22 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

She is a pretty girl of eighteen and simply hut 
becomingly dressed in traveling costu7ne.] My 
niece, Jane, Mr. — Mr. [Down L. 

Ting. 

Tinglepaugh ! How do you do ? [Shakes 
hands.] Glad to know you. Hope you'll like 
the Halcyon House, Miss Jane. [Crosses to 
/ler.] Will you ring if you want anything, Mr. 
Winkler? Fll just take a final look at your 
room. [Kxit, R. 

Winkler. 

Now, Jane, cheer up ! I want you to begin 
to enjoy this place right away because it's 
frightfully expensive. 

Jane. 
I've never seen anything worse. Oh, Uncle 
Will, why did you bring us to this lonely 
place *? * I Crosses to sofa. 

Winklek. 
Thought you needed a change, my dear. 

[Sits K. C. 

Jank. 
It's upset all my plans and it'll be quite ex- 

Eensive to have my new teacher come way up 
ere twice a week. [Sits 07i sofa. 

Winkler. 

Your teacher ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 23 

Jane. 

Yes. I haven't told you but Pm going to 
study with Mr. Boothby, the great tragedian. 

WiNKLEK. 

What ! S^Rises. 

JxVNE. 

Yes, I've decided to go on the stage. 

Winkler. 

My dear girl, whatever |)ut such nonsense 
into your little curly hciid ? 

\CroHHeii to h' r. Kitter Sam, L., lohiatl'nuj. 
Exit c. 

.I.VNE. 

W*,«ll, thr absurdity of father's will is ^oing 
to make iiio a pauprr and I don't want Aunt 
Jane to support us lx)th, and so I've got to 
earn my livin<^ in some way, haven't I ? 

WiNKLKK. 

Not on your life ! All you've got to do is to 
marry. 

Jaxk. 
Oh, uncle, don't b<^f:rin that again. Why, 
I've never even seen tliis man you want me to 
accept. 



24 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
Neither have I — but he must be all right ; 
your father was a good judge ; at any rate, we 
must not ignore your father's last request. 
Now his will distinctly says that unless you 
become the wife of his friend and preserver, 
Benjamin More, within one year, all his hard- 
earned fortune goes to an institution for feeble- 
minded cats, or some such rot. 

Jane. 
Father was out of his mind when he made 
that will. It's too absurd to be considered. 

Winkler. 
Absurd or not, Jane, it's law. 

\Enter Sam, c, witli a great load of 
ha^gage^ himdles, hird-cage, etc. He is 
whistling mgorously and crosses he- 
tween them in a roundahoiit way to 
door L., where he exits. They look on 
in sv/rjyrise. 

Jane. 
Mr. More doesn't seem very anxious to marry 
me or he'd have been here long before this. 
It's too late now, so why discuss it ; the year is 

up and 

Winkler. 

Not quite up, Jane {Looks at watch.'\ 

There are stiU five hours left. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 25 

Jane. 
Yes, but he's in Italy, so 

Winkler. 
Not much. Uncle Willie has been busy with 
the cables and not only located the long lost 
More, but expects him to meet us here before 
five o'clock. His boat was due at ten and I'm 
waiting for a message now. 

Jane. 
I begin to understand. So this is a scheme 
of yours to bring me to this lonely place and 
force me into this awful marriage. Why is it 
you are so concerned about my aSairs ? 

WiNKLEU. 

ril tell you, Jane. It's because, through a 
technical flaw in the will, the ten thousand dollars 
my brother apportioned to me will be siicriliced 
to' charity along with your share, unless you 
marry Benjamin More before six o'clock to-day. 

Janp:. 

I thought as much. {Crosses ^^ So you are 
willing to sell a woman's happiness for a little 
money ? 

Winkler. 

You have no right to think you won't be 
happy before you've even seen him. 



26 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Jane. 
You forget, uncle, that I'm not exactly- 
free 

Winkler. 

Xow look here, Jane, if you're thinking of 
that kid, Bobbie Baxter, you want to forget it. 
Why, that boy isn't worth the glue on a one 
cent postage stamp. 

Jane. 
[Crossing.] But he'll stick to me just the 
same. 

Winkler. 

[Losing te7nj)er.] Bah ! Young lady, don't 
forget that Fm your guardian and what I say 
goes. Now you're going to marry Mr. Benja- 
min More before six o'clock to-day if I have to 
drag you to the altar by the head of your hair. 
[ Walks to door R.] Think it over. 

[Exit, R. F7iter Sam, l., and starts 
offo. 

Jane. 
Boy! Boy! Bell-boy! 
Sam. 
Oh, me! — Yassum. [Bminess with jacket'] 
Yaassum. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 27 

Jane. 
Can you tell me what time the next train for 
New York leaves ? 

Sam. 

Yaas'm. De nex' train, if it gits heah at all, 
will leave somewhar' in de vecinity of ten mo- 
ments pas' one. 

Jane. 
Thank you. Please have a taxicab ready in 
time to catch it. \_Goes L. 

Sam. 
Wal, Ail bog your excuse, but de cabs am all 
busy to-day,— but Ah think Ah kin git you an 
air-ship ! \^Lau(jh.s. 

Jane. 
Anything as long as it gets me away from 
here. I'll be ready in five minutes. [AirzV, l. 

Sam. 
Somepin wrong I Dat woman ain't happy. 
Ah kin see dat wid my eyes shut ! 

[Enter P>OH, a rleaji cut OAul good-looking 
chap of twenty-two. 

Bob. 
[^Throwivg hw s^uitrcase to floar.'] Boy ! 
Boy! 



28 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Sam. 
Wonderful, how youthful dis co^Uime makes 
me. 

Bob. 

Where's the proprietor ? [Crosses to L. 

Sam. 
You mean de boss ? 

Bob. 
Yes, where is he ? 

Sam. 
Ah ain't sure but Ah think he's countin' 
money — jes' a moment, suh ! 

[Exit^ R. I. Bob walks about as if look- 
ing for some one. Goes u. c. 

Ting. 

[Enteri/ag from R. i, — talking hack. Sam 
follows.'] Yes, ten dollars a day is cheap when 
you consider the tranquillity. [Starts to greet 
Bob.] I think we have just one room left, 
sir [J^ecognises Bob.} Bob! 

Bob. 
Ting! 

Ting. 
Give me the grip ! 

[They shake. Bicsi/ness for Sam with 
Bob's case. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 29 

Bob. 

[l. c] Well, in the name of Yale, what^s 
the answer to it ? Does the team train up 
here ? 

Ting. 

[r. c] Xo; you know I'm one of those lucky 
chaps that have to work during vacation — ^got 
a job up here as bell-boy — boss is away and I 
am " IT ! " 

Bob. 

Seems to agree with you. 

{^Indicating his iiiCTe<i^ed size. 

Ting. 

Sh ! Fm disguised as a gentleman. Samuel 
and I have traded coats for the time being. 

Sam. 

An' a fair exchange is a eber present help in 
time ob trouble. 

Ting. 

But what have you been doing with yourself 
since you graduated ? 



Bob. 

Looking for work, principally. 



{Crosses to R. 



30 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 

Tried the stage? I've often heard the fel- 
lows say you could hold your own with many 
of the best professionals. 

Bob. 

I never was any good except as the leading 
lady, and managers won't pay for an imitation 
when they can get the real thing. 

Ting. 
I suppose not, but no one could ever tell you 
from the real thing, Bobbie Baxter ! {Laughs. 

Bob. 
Oh, everything's against me. I'm a candi- 
date for the Down and Out Club, I guess. 

{Crosses to L. 

Ting. 
Oh, cheer up ! When you've taken our tran- 
quillity cure you'll be unanimously elected to 
the Up and In Society. Did you get one of 
our booklets ? 

Bob. 
No! 

Ting. 
Then how did you ever happen to strike the 
Halcyon House ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 3 1 

Bob. 
I'll tell you. Sit down. \Tliey sit on sofa.] 
Ting, have you ever been in — in love ? 

Ting. 
Not as though you'd notice it. But I've had 
the measles. 

Bob. 
Well, you're lucky. 

Ting. 

Which is another way of saying that the lady 
has returned your photograph. 

Boh. 
It's this way. Her guardian is determined 
that she shall marry another and when he sees 
that I am making progress he takes her away. 
But Bobbie Baxter is no (juitter in this game, 
and I'm hot on their trail. Tve discovered 
that they left Weehawken early this morning, 
and got off at Catskill, and I'm not going to 
stop until I've searched every hotel and board- 
ing house in these mountains. 

[Ibises. Crosses to \i. c. 

TrN(;. 
Our air is certainly reviving you, Bobbie. 
{Rises.'] But tell me this : was your lady one 
of those beautiful 



32 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 

That's she ! Oh, Ting ! Don't keep me in 
suspense. Have you seen her ? 

Ting. 

[c] I kind of imagine that the kind of a 
girl Bobbie Baxter would pick out must be 
something like she who arrived here within the 
hour. 

Bob. 

Oh, Ting ! Can it be possible ? 

Ting. 

If her name is Jane 

Bob. 

It is ! It is ! Tell me where she is ! 

{Hugs Ting. 

Ting. 

You must be one of the things Uncle William 
is trying to get away from. 

Bob. 

Thinks I'm not good enough, eh ? I'd hate 
to tell all I know about old Winkler, the hypo- 
crite ! He needn't talk ! I'll show him I 

{Crosses to L. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 33 

Ting. 

But you mustu't let him know you're here 
until we tind out how the land lies. 

Bob. 
Oh, but I must see her ! 

Ting. 

Of course— and I'll arrange an interview right 
away. 

Bob. 

Ting, you're the best ever ! 
Ting. 

In the meantime you'd better disappear. 
Sam [wakin{/ huii\ take this gentleman to 
Number 27 — any other baggage, Bob ? 

[Sam goes u. c. 

Bob. 

All my worldly goods, a lot of old costumes, 
are in a trunk at the station. 

Ting. 

See that the trunk is brought up some time 
during the day, Sam. 

Sam. 
Yas, sah ! Dis way, sah. \^Exit. 



34 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 
I'll call you as soon as I can, Bob. 

Bob. 
All right, but remember the impatience of 
lovers, Ting, and hustle, will you ? 

{Follows Sam off q. to e. 

Ting. 
{Laughing and shaking his head."] Gee ! It 
must be an awful disease ! 

{Enter Winkler from his room r., 
J smoking a large cigar. 

Winkler. 
It isn't too early for a bit of lunch, is it, Mr. 
Tangle-foot ? 

Ting. 
{Holding chair at tdble^ L.] No, sir ; I'll send 
you a waiter at once. 

Winkler. 
{As he sits.l Thank you. {Sits R. of table. 

Ting. 
I'm afraid you haven't read the rules of the 
house, Mr. Winkler. 

Winkler. 
^y boy, I can't read. I was educated in a 
Correspondence School. {Laughs. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 35 

Ting. 
Well, we don't allow smoking on the prem- 
ises. 

Winkler. 
Don't allow smoking ? What ! 

Ting. 
Contaminates our air, sir. 

Winkler. 
Well, of all places — but there must be some 
exception to your rules. 

Ting. 
Of course we sometimes make an exception 
for a consideration. 

Winkler. 
What do you consider a consideration ? 

TlNCi. 

The rule is '' No smoking allowed," but if 
you'll ])romise to do it quietly, I think a two- 
spot will turn my head. 

Winkler. 
I should think it would. Ten cents for the 
cigar and two dollars to use it. Well, I thought 
the Waldorf and the Saint Wreckus were ex- 
]>ensive— but I'd pass away without it, so 
charge it up, charge it up ! 



36 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 
Will you sign, sir ? [Hands him pad. 

Winkler. 

[Readiiig^^ " One noiseless smoke, $2.00." 
[Sights. ^ Now send me the waiter, please. 

Ting. 
Yes, sir. [Takes telegram fi'om desh?^ Oh, 
by the way, there was a telegram came for you 
this morning. \Exit^ c. 

Winkler. 

[Putting on glasses and opening message.'] 
Must be from More. [Reads.] '' Boat in port. 
Will take first train for Halcyon after dock- 
ing." — Ah ! — " Make all arrangements for im- 
mediate marriage. B. More." [Joyfidly^ 
Arrangements ! You bet I'll make arrange- 
ments — and the prenuptial festivities shall be- 
gin at once. 

[Rings hell on table violently y contimtss 
until Sam speaks. Enter Sam, c, in 
a hurry, struggling to get into a large 
white apron. 

Sam. 
Did you ring, suh ? 

Winkler. 
No. I was whistling. Are you the waiter ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 37 

Sam. 
Ah'm whateber yo' rang fob, sub. 

Winkler. 
Tben disappear immediately, and return 
sooner witb a study in black and white. Are 
you wise ? 

Sam. 

Wbere wisdom is bliss 'tis folly to be igno- 
rant. 

Winkler. 

That's the idea, Sara : bring me a nice long 
glass of bliss. 

Sam. 
[Going.] Yaas, sub ! Yaas, sub ! 

Winkler. 

And, waiter ! 

Sam. 
Yaas, suh ! 

Winkler. 
Don't keep me long in " ignorance," will 
you? 

Sam. 
No, suh — no, suh ! 

[Bxit c. to L. Anter Aunt Jane with- 
out hat and gloves. Crosses L. 



38 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Aunt Jane. 
Ah, William, is luncheon ready ? 

Winkler. 

Yes, my dear. Come right along and sit 
down and listen to the glad tidings ; More will 
be here on the next train and his marriage with 
Jane takes place at six o'clock this evening. 

Aunt Jane. 
And has she consented ? 

Winkler. 
Oh, she can't refuse now. 

Aunt Jane. 

Oh, I'm so relieved to think she won't go on 
the stage. You know what an aversion 1 have 
for actresses. 

Winkler. 
Yes, I know, I know. 

Aunt Jane. 
Almost as great an aversion as I have for 
strong drink. 

Winkler. 
[Thinking of drink he has ordered^] Great 
Scott ! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 39 

Aunt Jane. 
William, you seem to be a great success at 
arranging marriages. Don't you suppose you 
could manage to arrange one for me V 

{Giggles, 

Winkler. 
Impossible ! 

Aunt Jane. 
It's an awful thing to pass into spinsterhood 
unwooed, unhonored and unloved. 

WiNKLEK. 

I suppose it is. 

Aunt Jane. 
Of course I'm getting along now. I shall 
never see thirty again, you know. 

Winkler. 

\To himself.'] Not with a telescope. 

Aunt Jane. 
But I'm still girlish in my ways and Suzette 
says I'm really beautiful at times. 

Winkler. 

Especially at times. 

Aunt Jane. 
The fact is, brother, I'm lonely. Can't you 
find me a husband ? 



40 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
"Well, you see, Jane, I'm very busy just now 
and, of course, my time is money and 

Aunt Jane. 
I was just coming to that, William. Your 
hatred of all that is evil, your freedom from all 
bad habits, and especially your aversion to the 
stage and to liquor, have touched me deeply. 

Winkler. 

\NeT'ooush|^^ I'm afraid you flatter, my 
dear. 

Aunt Jane. 
And I want you to understand that you are 
not to be forgotten when I am no more. 

Winkler. 

{Pretending to he affected. ^^ Oh, sister, dear 
sister, may that time be long delayed — [to him- 
self] when I shall be forgotten. 

[ Wi2)es his eyes. Sam enters c. 

Sam. 
Bery sorry, suh, but — [Winkler mate 5^^/15 
to Sam] de boss says dat drinks served in de 
cafe am extra. 

Aunt Jane. 
Drinks ! What does this mean, William ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 4I 

Winkler. 
Mean? Why, why, it means that I was 
thirsty and ordered a drink of — of — eh — what 
do you call it, waiter '? 

Sam. 
You called it " bliss," suh. 

Aunt Jane. 
It sounds suspicious, William. [To Sam.] 
Is it intoxicating, my good man ? 

Winkler. 
Aunt Jane ! How could you ? Why, it's a 
new kind of cowless milk that grows in the 
mountains, isn't it, waiter '? 

{Gwes Sam a \oink. 

Sam. 
Ah'm ignorant. 

Winkler. 
I should say you were. Take the lady's 
order and leave the " milk " until later. 

Sam. 
\Blinking?[ Yaas, suh ! 

Aunt Jane. 
I'm not ver}'' hungry this noon, but you may 
bring me some grapes — and 



42 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Sam. 
{Stands with jpad and ^pencil.'] Grape fruit 
or grape nuts, missus ? 

Aunt Jane. 
[Speaking rapidly.'] Just plain grapes, and, 
let me see, I think I'll have an oyster cocktail, 
some chestnut soup, whitebait on toast, squab 
stuffed with pate de foies gras, mint jelly, hash 
browned potatoes, fried green peppers, hearts 
of celery, caviare tarts, a Waldorf salad, 
marshmellow parfait, macaroons, nuts, mixed 
fruit, a large cup of French coffee, and 

Winkler. 
[ Who has been trying to stop her.'] Jane, oh 
Jane, I beg your pardon for interrupting but I 
feel it my solemn duty to warn you that we are 
not at a Childs' Kestaurant, we are at the 
Halcyon House, for grown-up billionaires, and 
the prices are somewhat upward. 

Aunt Jane. 
Oh, thank you, William — in that case I'll 
just have a cup of coffee and roUs. 

Winklee. 
Ditto for me, Samuel. 

Sam. 
Will you hab sugah, suh ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 43 

Winkler. 

Sugar ! Why, certainly, of course 

[Sam starts. '\ Wait a moment — sugar extra? 

Sam. 
Fifty cents, suh. 

Aunt Jane. 
Oh, as long as we're here, William, let's en- 
joy ourselves. 

Winkler. 
As you will, Jane, but it seems wicked. 
{Pauses^ Waiter, two small lumps of sugar. 

Sam. 
Yaas, suh. 

Aunt Jane. 
And, boy — one spoon will be enough. 

Winkler. 

Sure, I can stir mine with a lead pencil. 
And, Samuel, you needn't bring me any saucer. 

Sam. 
No, suh ! \To himself.'] And Ah gits two 
per cent. ! 

Winkler. 
After Jane's wedding we'll get back to the 
Plaza where things are reasonable. Oh, sister, 



44 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

you were about to say when we were inter- 
rupted ? 

Aunt Jane. 
Oh, yes. What I started to say, William, 
was this : If you will use j^our influence in 
making me the better half of some good man, 
it will not be necessary for you to wait until I 
die before coming into your share. 

Winkler. 
What a beautiful thought ! 

Aunt Jane. 
On the day of my marriage you will receive 
a check for ten thousand dollars. 

Winkler. 
{Trying to appear iinconceimed.'] I certainly 
must have ear trouble. You know, Jane, it 
sounded to me just as though you said ten 
thousand dollars then. It's a funny thing ! 

Aunt Jane. 
Your ears do not deceive you, brother. 

Winkler. 
You mean that I get ten thousand for finding 
a man willing to marry you ? 

Aunt Jane. 
Never have I been more in earnest. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 45 

Winkler. 

Then start the trousseau at once. We'll have 
a double wedding. Before sunset you'll be a 
married woman — if there's a single man this 
side of the Mississippi. I'll find somebody or 
bust! 

Aunt Jane. 

{Over come. '\ Oh, William, this is so sudden. 
It quite takes my breath away ! \Rises^ goe^ 
dovyn c] My heart is thumping so fast that I 
believe I shall have to go and lie down for a 
few moments. Have the coffee sent to my 
room. [She reels. 

Winkler. 

{Catching her.] For Heaven's sake, Jane, 
don't faint in the Halcyon. It's liable to be 
extra. Suzette I Suzette ! [Fans her.] Jane, 
compose yourself ; you're not married yet. 

Aunt Jane. 

Be sure to get me the best you can, won't 
you, brother-in-law ? 

Winkler. 

Steady, old girl, steady ! I'll do my best, 
but — but of course you can't be too particular 
in a case like this. [Suzette appears L.] Take 
her away, Susv. 



46 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Aunt Jane. 
{As SuzETTE takes her off.] At last ! My 
dream is coming true, at last ! 

[Mseunt Aunt Jane and Suzette, l. 

Winkler. , 

[To himself, elated.] Ten thousand added 
to ten thousand — twenty thousand dollars! 
\_Dam.ces about] And when I get it, Kitty, 
old girl, you'll have a diamond necklace that'll 
make the bald-headed row sit up and take 
notice. Oh, joy ! 

[Enter Sam with tioo cujps of cofee ofi 
tray, c. L. 

Sam. 
[Watchi7ig Winkler as he dances about] 
'Cuse me, suh, but de coffee and sugar 

Winkler. 
Take it to Suite sixteen. And then you may 
bring me that drink I ordered. 

Sam. 
Yaas, suh, — Suite sixty-one, did you say, suh ? 

[Mcit, L. 

Winkler. 
[Lost in thought again.] I'll get that ten 
thousand if I have to dress up some hobo ! 

[Sits on sofa. Enter Ting, c- l. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 47 

Ting. 
Anything I can do for you, Mr. Winkler ? 

Winkler. 
By Jove, I believe you can. 

Ting 
Good ! 

Winkler. 
Am I right in surmising that you are the 
product of a Brain Factory V 

Ting. 
Yale is resix)nsible for any gray matter I 
happen to possess. 

Winkler. 
The very man I want. I have a problem I 
desire to dip into an educated think-tank. How 
much ? 

Ting. 
Depends entirely upon the diflficulty of the 
solution. 

Winkler. 
Where can I find a husband for my sister-in- 
law? 

Ting. 
\SxirjpTised?^ Well, seeing it's you, Mr. 
Winkler, I'll do it for a century note. 



48 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
A hundred dollars ! You're engaged. 

Ting. 

So is Aunt Jane. The solution is very 
simple. 

Winkler. 

Simple ! I guess you didn't take a good look 
at her, did you ? 

Ting. 
Oh, I've seen worse with husbands. 

Winkler. 

You must have traveled more than I. But 
simplify. 

Ting. 

\TJjp R., getting telephone hook.] Well, the 
first step is to call up the Matrimonial Agency. 

Winkler. 

Matrimonial Agency ! By Jove ! 

[Crosses to R. 

Ting. 

[Looking through hook.] They supply men 
in large or small quantities. [I)own c. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 49 

WlKKLER. 
That shows what a college education'll do. 
I'd never have thought of such a thing m a 
thousand years. \^%ts R. 

Ting. 
{SearcUng?^ Urn !— Let's see— K, L, M, Ma 
— m-a-n, man 

Winkler. 
That's what we're after. 

Ting. 

Manhattan— ah ! Matrimonial Agency, 23 
Jay Street, Number 711, Madison. \In 
'phone.'] Hello! Get me New York right 
away, please. 

\^Enter Sam with a high-hall on tray, c. 

Sam. 
Heah am your " milk," Mr. Bliss. 

Winkler. 
Ah, thank you, Samuel— just in time to brace 
me up for the busiest day of my life. 

Sam. 
[Offering hill.'] Sign, please. 



50 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 

[Taking hill.] I'm almost afraid to face it. 
[Puts on glasses ; reads.] One highball, twenty 
cents; glass five cents; ice three cents,— 
cheaper than I expected ; total, one dollar and 
twenty-eight cents. [Pause:] Did you do this 
on an adding machine, Samuel ? 

Sam. 
Yaas, suh — in my head. 

Winkler. 
Will you please excuse me for inquiring what 
the extra simolian is for ? 

Sam. 
[Pause:] License, suh ! 

Winkler. 
[As he si^ns.] Individual licenses are a new 
one on me. But I'm learning. 

[Sam goes out with hill, c. L. 

Ting. 
[In 'jplwne.] Hello ! Give me seven and a 
• couple of aces, please. 

Winkler. 
[Looking at his glass.] One hundred and 
twenty-eight cents.— I must take it slowly. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 5 1 

Ting. 
\In ^phone.'] Hello ! Is this the homo fac- 
tory ? I mean the Matrimonial Bureau ? 
[Winkler interested.'] Yes. It is ? Well, 
connect me with the Men's Furnishing Depart- 
ment, will you, please ? [Winkler drinks. ] 
Good-morning. Will you take my order, please ? 
Keady ? — Now, have you some nice, fresh men 
in this morning ? What ? — Not a man on the 
place ? [Winkler hcis glass half-way up to 
his lips and holds it there.'] Oh, I see. Yes, 
well, if you should have any returned send them 
immediately to the Halcyon House, Catskill 
Mountains. It's a fine chance for the right man. 
All right. Thank you. Good-bye. [Hangs 
up receive?'.] Pshaw ! They say men are very 
scarce at this time of year. 

Winkler. 
It isn't going to be as simple as you thought, 
is it? 

Ting. 
One was out on approv^al, but they think he 
may be returned before night and you heard 
what I told them. 

Winkler. 
[Goi7ig R.] Well, let me know if he gets 
here. Meanwhile I'll go and enjoy my south- 
ern exposure. l&it, R. Bell rings off c . 



52 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 
Coming, coming ! 

[Exit^ c. Enter from c, Bob ; enter 
from L., Jane. 

Bob. 
Jane ! 

Jane. 
Bobbie ! 

Bob. 
My darling ! 

Jane. 
What are you doing here ? 

Bob. 
I came for you, Jane. 

Jane. 
Oh, Bob, I'm afraid you're too late. Benja- 
min More has landed. 

Bob. 
But you're not married to him ? 

Jane. 
No — not yet. 

Bob. 
Then let's get away from here at once. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 53 

Jane. 
Let me think first. 

Bob. 
Jane, you do care for me, don't you ? 

Jane. 
I don't exactly hate you. 

Bob. 
You love me and you know it. Jane ! 

{He takes lier in his arms. WiNKLER 
enters R., suddenly. 

Winkler. 
I bet that'll be extra ! Mr. More, I'm glad 

to see [Bob turns.'] You ! You ! 

SJIe struggles fcyr words. 

Bob. 

Yes, me. 

Winkler. 

Jane, you go finish reading " Paradise Lost " 
to your aunt. \^Exit Jane slowly, L.] I won't 
waste any words with you, you young scoun- 
drel ! Get out of this hotel ! Get oft* from this 
mountain. My niece is engaged to Mr. Benja- 
min More and if you don't disappear before he 
comes, there'll be another murder mystery for 
the papers. 



54 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 

Mr. Winkler, I^ ask you, man to man, to put 
yourself in my place. Jane and I love each 
other. Give me a chance. 

WiNKLEE. 

I'll give you just fifteen minutes to pack up 
and get out. 

{Enter Ting, c, with letter from L. 

Ting. 
Special delivery for you, Mr. Winkler. 

Winkler. 

[TaJcmg letter.] Special delivery ? Why — 
I [Puts (yti glasses and proceeds to open. 



Bob. 
[Taking Ting o^ide.] Ting, I want a little 
fatherly advice. \^T^^y *^^^^ '^P- 

Ting. 
I told you not to let him see you yet. 

Bob. 

I know, but he came in when I wasn't look- 
ing, and 

[Exeunt Ting and Bob, c. Go E. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 55 

Winkler. 

{Raising letter tv nose ^ Some lady, eh ? By 
Jove ! {&its at table R. c] Looks like Kitty's 
writing. [Begins to read.] " Dear old boy " 
— it's Kitty all right — "Dear old boy, what 
has become of you ? Haven't seen you since 
our little trip to Coney. I have just learned of 
your whereabouts and before beginning re- 
hearsals I think I shall join you for a little 
mountain air." — Great Scott ! Not if I know 
it ! — " I am homesick for one of your old time 
champagne suppers. You may expect me al- 
most any time. With love and a thousand 
kisses, I am, your own little tootsy-wootsy, 
Kitty."— Holy Moses! What shall I do?— 
"P. S. I enclose my latest photograph." 
[Tal'es out photo.'] Fine ! There's no use talk- 
ing, Kitty certainly is a beautiful woman. 
\_Tunis photo.] " In remembrance of our quiet 
little blow-out at Dreamland, July 4th." [^Tak- 
ing envelope. Leaves letter and p)hoto on table.] 
Just as well not to have my name connected 
with a letter like this. {^Destroys envelope and 
goes to desk.] And now to keep Kitty away. 
If sister-in-law Jane ever found out that I had 
a speaking acquaintance with a real live actress 
— that ten thousand w^ould fade away into airy 
nothingness. [ Writes.] " Miss Kitty Benders, 
Imperial Hotel, Broadway, New York." [Con- 
tinues to write. Enter TiNO, c, with vase of 



$6 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

flowers and jputs it on table R. c, and in straight- 
ening things discovers the letter and jphotogrojph 
which Winkler has left. He tiptoes out with 
them. Winkler writing telegram.l "Don't 
under any circumstances come up here. Will 
meet you at Kector's Thursday, Y p. M., and 
explain all. Old Boy." [Rising.'] Now I'll 
just give [crossing to R.] this to the operator 
myself, and — [looking for letter'] operator my- 
self , and — and \_Blin'ks.'\ Why, I'd swear 

I [Searches in pochetsJ] Great Scott ! 

That's the queerest thing [Crosses to L. 

Looks through desk ; throws papers around^ etc.] 
How careless ! 

[Empties waste basket. Finally gets on 
his knees and looks under sofa. Busi- 
ness. Ting brings Bob to c, and 
putting the letter and photo in his 
hands, pushes him into room. Exit 
Ting. Bob conceals letter and photo 
and coTTies carelessly down whistling. 

Bob. 
Matter, Uncle William, lost anything ? 

Winkler. 

[l. c. JuTnping up and trying to appear un- 
concerned?^ No — what makes you think 

Didn't I tell you to disappear ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 57 

Bob. 
I thought you " looked " as though you'd lost 
something, Mr. Winkler. 

Winkler. 

[ Watching Bob closely. 1 You haven't found 
anything, have you ? 

Bob. 
Why, yes, I think I have. 

Winkler. 
You have ? Where ? 

Bob. 
[Quietly.'] Right here in this room. 

Winkler. 

[Trying to control himself.'] What— what 
was it? 

Bob. 

Well, Winkler, since you seem to be so inter- 
ested I'll tell you. I've found 

Winkler. 
Yes? 

Bob. 
I've found that I'm very much in love with 
Jane. 



58 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
[Believed, laughing.'] Oh, is that all ? 

[Crosses to R. 

Bob. 
That is a good deal, Winkler, but it is not all. 

Winkler. 
[Again interested.] No ? 

Bob. 
[Quietly.] I have also found that you will 
give your consent to our marriage. 

Winkler. 
Young man, how dare you insult me by any 
such insinuation ? [Starts off R. 

Bob. 
One moment if you please, Mr. Winkler. 

Winkler. 
[Stopping.] Well ? 

Bob. 
Would it pain you very much to prolong our 
acquaintance for just about two minutes ? 

Winkler. 

[Starting agairi. Feeling in pocket.] It 
would. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 59 

Bob. 

I only wanted to ask you something about 
Dreamland. 

Winkler. 

[Coming hack. Eyeing Bob suspiciously.^ 
What's that ? Did you say Dreamland ? 

Bob. 

Yes ; what kind of a place is it ? I'm going 
there on my wedding trip. 

Winkler. 
How should I know ? 

Bob. 
You've been there, of course ? 

Winkler. 

Well, ves, I've been there several times. 
Who hasn't ? 

Bob. 

I haven't. By the way, it was pretty quiet 
there on the Fourth of July, wasn't it, Mr. 
Winkler ? 

Winkler. 
Young man, what's your game ? 



6o THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 

My game is to win ! And by George, you 
can't stop me this time, [c] I've got my 
hand full of trumps and the widow up my 
sleeve and her name is "• Kitty." 

Winkler. 

[r. c] You're a joker, Bobbie; you speak 
in a language that I don't understand. 

Bob. 

Then perhaps jy^our eyesight is better than 
your earsight. [Disjplays letter and photo J\ 
Perhaps you'll understand this letter and this 
photograph. One of the most notorious women 
on the New York stage. 

Winkler. 

[Glancing at picticre and trying to appear 
unconcerned.] Deuced pretty girl — but not 
good company for a boy of your age, Bobbie. 
[Tries to seise them. Init fails. 

Bob. 

No, you don't ! You can have them when 
I'm through and not before. 

Winkler. 
Ha ! — well, — what's your price ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 6 1 

Bob. 
Jane. 

Winkler. 
And if I refuse ? 

Bob. 
Aunt Jane and More shall know you for 
what you are — a hypocrite I 

Winkler. 
Ha! Do you suppose they'll believe your 
word against mine ? \Cro88e8 to l. 

Bob. 
But I hold the proofs. 

Winkler. 
Undeveloped proofs, yes. 

Bob. 
But the photo seems to be a very good ex- 
posure, Mr. Winkler. Do I get Jane ? 

Winkler. 
My answer is the negative. 

Bob. 
Jane ! Oh, Jane ! 

{Goes to door L., calh off. Winkler 
crosses hack to R., nervous, thinking. 



62 ^ THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Jane. 
[0/l.] Yes, Bobbie! 

Bob. 
Can you and Aunt Jane come in here right 
awav? 

Jane. 
In just a minute, Bob. 

Bob. 
[c. to Winkler.] And even if they 
shouldn't believe these, I can send for the 
lady herself. 

Winkler. 
[r. c] You don't know her address. 

Bob. 
Oh, I v7on't have any trouble if I need her. 

Winkler. 
But what good'll it do you ? Kitty knows 
her business. She's game all right. 

Bob. 
And so is Bobbie Baxter. Game to the 
bitter end and don't you forget it. 

\Enter Jane and Aunt Jane, l. 

Jane. 
Here we are, Bobbie. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 63 

Aunt Jane. 
Oh, William, I hope nothing serious has 
happened. 

Winkler. 
Nothing to get excited over, my dear. 

Aunt Jane. 
Then why did you send for us in such a 
hurry ? {Sits on sofa l. Jane hehind her. 

Bob. 

[c] I sent, Aunt Jane. 

Jane. 
Oh, Bobbie, be careful what you do. 

Winkler. 
Mr. Baxter has a little confession he wants 
to get off his mind. 

Aunt Jane. 

Please proceed quickly, young man ; I have 
other things to think of to-day. Haven't I, 
William ? 

Bob. 

I hardly know how to say it, but you ought 
to know that for years you have had in your 
midst one who has basely deceived you. You 
will hardly believe me when I speak his name, 
but much as I dislike to speak it, 1 must, 
even 



64 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 



I 



Winkler. 

[Suddenly sweeping Bob aside.'] Nobly done, 
oung man ! But, sister, let's be easy with him. 
c] Let's forgive and forget him if we can. 

\_Action very fast tcntil curtain. 

Bob. 
What are you talking about ? 

Aunt Jane. 
That's what I want to know. [Rises. 

Jane. 
What does it mean ? Who is he ? 

Winkler. 
[Quickly.'] There he stands — Robert Baxter, 
the self-confessed hypocrite ! 

Bob. 
[Hardly able to speak.] He lies — he lies, I 

tell you. [r. c] Don't believe — Jane 

Here ! [Holds out letter and photo. 

Winkler. 

[Thu7idering.] Silence ! 

Aunt Jane. 1 
But what's he done ? 



Jane. 



I don't understand. 



Together, 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 65 

Winkler. 
[Snatching Utter and 2>hotofrovi Bob.] I'll 
tell you what he's done. He's been making 
love to you, Jane, and at the same time sneak- 
ing down to a place called Dreamland, and 
giving champagne suppers to a notorious actress 
who signs herself as his own Kitty. That's 
what he's done. 

Jane. 
I don't believe it. 

Bob. 
Absurd ! 

Winkler. 
[JIa7iding lette?' and jplwto to Jane.] Then 
read these. 

[Jane i^eads in hcrrror. Crosses down l. 

Bob. 
But I tell you those things belong to him. 

Winkler. 
[Bapidly.] Come, my dear ! [To Aunt 
Jane.] Let us not contaminate ourselves by 
breathing the same air as this impostor. 

[T/iei/ go lip. 

Aunt Jane. 
Oh, William, how happy I am that we have 
you. 



66 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
Come, Jane, let us leave him alone with his 
shame and his guilt. 

{Exeunt Winkler cmd Aunt Jane, l. 

Jane. 
\Throwvng letter and photo at hisfeet.l Ah, 
Bobbie, how could you ? 

Bob. 
But, Jane, you don't 



Jane. 
Don't speak to me, Mr. Baxter. Go back to 
your Dreamland. To-night I shall become the 
wife of Mr. Benjamin More. {Exit, L. 

Bob. 
[After a pause — dazed.'] Well, I'll be 



{Goes up to c. doar and calls.'] Ting ! Ting ! 



curtain 



THE SECOND ACT 

SCENE. — TJie same as Act I. Bob discovered 
in same position as lohen curtain descended 
on Act I. 

Bob. 
[Calling.^ Ting, Ting !— Oh, Ting ! 

Ting. 
[(9/c.] HeUo! 

Bob. 

Come in here quick ! [Enter TiNG, R. c. 
from L.] Now you've done it ! 

Ting, 
[l. C.J Done it ? Done what ? 

Bob. 

Where did you get these cursed things ? 

[Picks them up. 

Ting. 

Right there on the table where the *' Old 
Boy " left them. 

67 



68 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
Are you sure they belong to Winkler ? 

Ting. 
Certainly; why? 

Bob. 
Why ? Because he made Jane believe they 
were mme, that's why. 

Ting. 

What are you talking about ? 

Bob. 
Well, he did. You see they were in my 
hands and there's no name— only " old boy " — 
and before I could 

Ting. 

[Lati^Mng.] Ha, ha, ha ! That's rich. 

[Crosses to R. 

Bob. 
Oh, enjoy yourself ! But it's no joke for me, 
I can tell you. You've got to get me out of 
this, do you hear ? 

Ting. 
How can I ? 

Bob. 
By testifying that they were addressed to 

WinMer. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 69 

Ting. 

\Serious?\ I see — but — Bob, I'd do almost 
anything for you — but there are reasons why 
I can't rouse Mr. Winkler's anger — at least not 
just now. 

Bo^. 

Then I might just as well give up and ^et 
out. \SiU, 

Ting. 

Nonsense! I can't testify against Winkler 
openly but I'll do all I can on the quiet, old 
man, and don't forget that truth crushed to 
earth will rise again. {Sits on sofa. 

Bob. 

Yes, but if we don't set an alarm clock it'll 
rise too late. Jane is going to marry More at 
six o'clock and then Avhat good'll truth be ? 

{Bell rings off. 

Ting. 

Don't give her up yet, Bob. We've got four 
hours and I'll think of a way out of this even 
if I have to use my brains to do it. Back in a 
minute. 

\Exit^ C. Goes R. Bob sinks into a 
chair and looks at letter and jplioio 
with a sigh. Jane enters L. 



70 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Jane. 
Oh, I beg your pardon. 

Bob. 
[Jumping iip and hastily concealing photo. ^ 
Jane! 

Jane. 
Mr. Baxter ! [Starts off. 

Bob. 
Jane, you don't believe that pack of lies 
J about Kitty ? I tell you it's all a mistake. 

Jane. 
How can I believe anything else ? 

Bob. 
But I tell you that those things belong to 
your uncle. 

Jane. 
I notice you still cling to them. 

Bob. 
Oh, it's all too absurd. Jane, you didn't 
mean it vt^hen you said you were going to 
marry Benjamin More, did you ? 

Jane. 
On the tick of six, if he gets here. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY /I 

Bob. 
Jane, if you marry that man I'll commit 
suicide. 

Jane. 
It takes courage to do that. {Crosses to R. 

Bob. 
You dare me to do it ? Yery well, young 
lady, before sunset my body shall lie under 
ninety feet of water — possibly ninety-one feet. 

Jane. 
Indeed ! I suppose you've got some " Mer- 
maid Kitty " waiting for you at the bottom of 
the lake. 

Bob. 
But, Jane, you have the power to prevent 
this horrible deed. I tell you if you don't save 
me my water-soaked and fish-bitten face will 
haunt you into an early grave. 

Jane. 
{Crossing^ laughing.^ That's very dramatic 
to say the least, but it doesn't frighten me one 
little tiny bit, because I know that if you really 
love me you'll stay on dry land and hustle for 
some evidence that'll prove you not guilty. 

Bob. 
But you doubt my word. 



72 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Jane. 
You can easily make me believe it. 

Bob. 
How? 

Jane. 
Send for this "Kitty." She'd soon settle 

between vou and Uncle William. 

t/ 

Bob. 
By Jove! That's a good idea. I'll do it. 
Jane, come to my arms. 

Jane. 
Don't touch me. {Down c] As yet, Mr. 
Baxter, you have proved nothing, and until the 
arrival of Kitty, let us consider ourselves 
strangers. Good-afternoon. 

\Exit^ c. Goes L. 
Bob. 
Jane, don't leave me like that ! Jane ! 

[Follows her off. Enter c. from R., 
Benjamin More. He is small and 
insignificant y hair touched with gray / 
flowing side whiskers y has on dark 
frock coat and white gaiters; carries 
a silk hat^ a gold-headed cams and wears 
glasses. His quick little steps and 
jerky motions stamp him as a man of 
nervous temperament. Ti^Gr follows 
hi/m. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 73 

More. 
I'm looking for Mr. William Winkler. 

Ting. 
He's out just now. Can't I sell you a nice 
room with bath ? \Goe8 behind desh, and turns 
register.] There's just one left. 

More. 
Nice warm welcome for the bridegroom, I 
must say. 

Ting. 
Oh, you're from the matrimonial agency, 
aren't you ? 

More. 
Nonsense ! I'm Benjamin More from New 
York City. 

Ting. 
Oh, I beg your pardon. 

More. 
I suppose you know that I am about to sacri- 
fice my forty years of wisdom on the altar of 
Hymen, to cancel my four decades of economy 
by assuming the responsibility of an extra meal 
ticket. But I cannot ignore the wishes of my 
departed friend. I only hope that — that — what 
the deuce is my bride's name ? 



74 Tt^E ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 
Jane. 

More. 

Ah, yes. Jane ! Thank you. I only hope 
that Jane is supplied with a reasonable amount 
of good looks and amiability. We've never 
seen each other, you know. 

Ting. 
Oh, you'll like her. 

More. 

That's good, that's good. I'm not much on 
love making but in order not to have the court- 
ship and marriage seem too abrupt, I dashed off 
a little sonnet for Jane, coming up on the train. 
See how you like it. 

" Fairest, rarest maid in this whole world, 
For thee my heart is all unfurled, — 
When at thy feet I lay it bare. 
Thy smile shall be reflected there. " 

Not bad if I do say it myself. 

Ting. 
In a whisper. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 75 

Moke, 
\^Lighting cigar. ^ When Winkler returns let 
me know. You'll find me enjoying a weed on 
the rocks. 

[^Goes c. jfi^i^rBoB, c, from L., hunvp- 
ing into More. 

Bob. 
I beg your pardon. 

More. 
Ass ! [Exit, c. 

Bob. 
Who is that, Ting ? 

Ting. 
Mr. Benjamin More. 

Bob. 
Benjamin More ! Great Scott ! I'll kill him. 

[Starts off c. 

Ting. 
[Stopping him.] Hold on, old man ! Things 
are approaching a crisis and we've got to hold 
a council of war. 

Bob. 
And that reminds me that we've got to get 
Kitty Benders up here right away. 



76 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 
A good plan, but there isn't time — besides 
you don't know where to reach her. 

Bob. 
She was at the Colonial last week. 

Ting. 
You saw her ? 

Bob. 
Twice. 

Ting. 
Good ! Then we won't have to send for her. 

Bob. 

Why not ? 

Ting. 
Because she's here. 

Bob. 
Here ! Where ? 

Ting. 
In this room. 

Bob. 
Ting, have you lost your mind ? 

Ting. 
On the contrary this is the sanest and most 
inspired moment of my life. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 77 

Bob. 
For cat's sake, explain yourself. 

Ting. 
You're the explanation. 

Bob. 
I don't understand. 

Ting. 

Brighten up, Bobbie, brighten up ! You're 
Kitty. 

Bob. 
Me! 

Ting. 

Yes, you ! 

Bob. 

By Jove ! [Rises. Crosses to L.] Oh, but 
you're crazy to think of such a thing. 

Ting. 

l^ot at all. Don't you see how everything is 
in our favor, old boy ? You're the best leading 
lady that ever gladdened the heart of Yale, 
you've all your stuff here with you, you've 
seen the lady twice within a week; Winkler 
is as blind as a bat ; what more do you want ? 



J^ THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 

\_Lookmg at photo. Crosses to K.] Well 
Oh, but I'm afraid it won't work. 

Tma. 

It's got to work. Now you go to your room, 
get on the glad rags, come back here and you'll 
not only win Jane, but we'll have more fun than 
a barrel of monkeys. 

Bob. 
It's a risk, but I'll do it. 

Ting. 
That's the boy. [."They shake hands. 

Bob. 
I'll do it ! I'll disguise myself as Kitty. I'll 
arrive and by thunder, if I don't get Uncle 
Willie backed into a corner yelling for ice- 
water my name is not Bob Baxter ! 

Ting. 
\Tahing him up.] Good! Hurry upl I 
can't wait! 

Bob. 
Hurrah ! I'll get Jane yet. 

[Mvit, c. Goes R. Enter Winkler, r., 
searching his pockets. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 79 

Winkler. 
Say, Mr. Ting, you haven't seen anything of 
my eye-glasses, have you ? 

Ting. 
No, sir. 

Winkler. 
Funny ! I had two pair and I can't find 
anything but these old colored things. 

[Shows smoked glasses. 

Ting. 
There was a gentleman here just now wanted 
to see you. 

Winkler. 
Who was it ? 

Ting. 
Can't you guess ? 

Winkler. 
That fellow from the matrimonial agency for 
Aunt Jane ? 

Ting. 
You're a good guesser. 

Winkler. 
Where is he ? 



8o THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 
Outside on the weeds enjoying a rock. I'll 
call him. 

WiNKLEE. 

Good. I hope he's better than those hoboes 
you got from the village. 

Ting. 
Oh, yes, sir. This is a real man. Just wait. 
[ Whistles and heclco7is off c. 

Winkler. 
[^Down stage.'] I wish I had my glasses. 

[Hunts. Enter More, c. 

More. 
[Aside to Ting]. Is that Winkler ? 

Ting. 
Yes, sir. 

More. 
You told him I was here ? 

Ting. 
Yes, he's waiting for you. 

More. 
Good. 

Ting. 
Mr. Winkler — the bridegroom ! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 8l 

Winkler. 
Glad to know you, sir. 

More. 

And I'm glad to know you^ Mr. Winkler. 

{They shake hands c. 

Winkler. 
{Aside to Ting after walking around More 
in admiration. Ting goes up c] Stand guard 
outside. We can't afford to let him escape. 

Ting. 
I'm glad you like him. 

{JSxit, c, laughing y goes R. 

Winkler. 
Now let's sit down and talk things over. 

More. 
Certainly, my dear Winkler. ^They sit on 
sofa. 

Winkler. 
Now, of course, you know why you were 
sent for ? 

More. 
Yes, indeed, and I do not hesitate to say that 
I can hardly wait for the ceremony to be per- 
formed. 



S2 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
You're not half as impatient as I am, my 
friend. Now, I don't suppose you'll object to 
a few questions. 

More. 
But I thought Oh, very well. 

Winkler. 
You didn't happen to bring your pedigree 
with you, did you ? 

More. 
\As if to resent this cmd then deciding to take 
it as a joke.'] Well, no, but I can assure you 
that I have a full set of teeth and four of my 
ancestors came over in the Mayflower. 

Winkler. 
An excellent record, my dear friend. Now 
how about references ? Didn't you like your 
last place ? 

More. 
\Risvng^ excitedly.] Keferences! I want 
you to understand, Mr. Winkler, that I didn't 
travel all this distance to be insulted. . 

Winkler. 
{Pushing More haclc into seat.] Now don't 
get excited, my friend. It's all right. It's all 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 83 

right. I accept your apology. You needn't 
show 'em if you don't want to. 

Moke. 

\PaGified?\ I hardly think it necessary in 
my case, Mr. Winkler. 

Winkler. 

Well, perhaps not, but I always like to be on 
the safe side. However, you're such an im- 
provement on the other bunch that I am willing 
to accept you carte hlancJie. 

Moke. 

Ah, then, there have been. others ? I am not 
the first suitor ? 

Winkler. 
No, indeed. But I hope you will be the last. 

More. 
Thank you, Winkler, that's why I'm here. 

Winkler. 

I am more than pleased with your appear- 
ance. 

More. 

You flatter me. 



84 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
Not at all, sir. Why, do you know that once 
or twice since you have been sitting there I 
have seen a gleam of almost human intelligence 
flash across your countenance. 

More. 
{Rising^ Well, I must say 

Winkler. 
\Putthig him down.] Oh, don't attempt to 
deny it. It's a fact, sir, and I'm overjoyed at 
it. I like your face immensely. It's so differ- 
ent from the other applicants — your face is so 
full of features. Oh, I'm more than pleased. 

More. 
[Confused.'] But how about my lady love ? 

Winkler. 
Your bride ? 

More. 
Yes ; do you think she'U like me ? 

Winkler. 
Like you? Why, my dear brother, she'll 
jump at you — actually jump at you ! 

More. 
You really think so ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 85 

Winkler. 
I know so. But the trouble is I'm very much 
afraid that you're going to '^'jump " at her. 

More. 
From what I hear I know I shall be de- 
lighted with her. 

Winkler. 

[jRising and kissing Mo RE on forehead.^ 
Bless you, for those kind words. I thank you 
a thousand times, in fact I thank you '' ten 
thousand " times. 

More. 
Don't mention it. Will. 

Winkler. 
I don't know what you've heard, but I think 
it only fair to warn you in advance not to ex- 
pect too much. 

More. 

[Disa2}poi7ited.] No ? 

Winkler. 

[Hastening to reassure him.] Not too^ too 
much. Of course, expect something, but as I 
say not too much. I may as well confess right 
here that Jane has never taken any prizes at a 
beauty show. In plain words, she's homely — 
extremely homelv. 



86 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

More. 

I won't attempt to conceal my disappoint- 
ment, Mr. Winkler. \RisesP\ I had been led 
to believe that Jane was 

Winkler. 

Oh, but she has her redeeming features ; she's 
— [rising] seldom around and she pays the gas 
bills. 

More. 

That's something. [Crosses to B. 

Winkler. 
You'll get acclimated in a week or two. 

More. 
Ump ! But when can I see her ? 

Winkler. 

Now, immediately. I'll send her to you at 
once. [Starts L. 

More. 
Good. 

Winkler. 

[Comingi hack.] But I want you to promise 
me this : '^ Oh, Promise Me " that you will not 
reject her at first sight. Don't be in a hurry. 
Take time. Just take her in by degrees. She's 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 87 

like olives, you have to learn to like her, and if 
the worst comes to the worst, just try these. 

{Hands him some dark colored spec- 
tacles. 

More. 
What are they ? 

Winkler. 
Smoked glasses. Wait here. [Mait^ L. 

More. 
ITo himself .'] Homely? Olives? Smoked 
glasses ? But rich ! Oh, well ! 

{Down extreme R. TiNG enters G.from 
R. Jane enters c. from L. They 
meet, 

Jane. 
Mr. Tinglepaugh, I'm expecting a professor 
from town to give me a lesson in acting this 
afternoon. You haven't seen him, have you ? 

Ting. 
Why, certainly ; he's been waiting quite a 
while. There he is now. {Points to More. 

Jane. 
Oh, thank you. 

Ting. 
Don't mention it, Miss 



{LaugJbS^ aside. Exit^ c, to L. 



88 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Jane. 
[Dovm c] How do you do, sir ? 

More. 
[Keeping his hack to Jane.] She's come. 
\Puts oil glasses."] I hardly dare turn. 

Jane. 
I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting. 

More. 
[To himself.'] I like the voice. 

Jane. 
You got my letter, I suppose. 

More. 
Yes. [Turns slowly.] Winkler said by de- 
grees. 

Jane. 
[To herself.] What's he doing ? 

[More looks at her through glasses^ then 
over the top and smiles. Business. 

Jane. 
Oh, I suppose he's acting. 

More. 
Not so bad. In fact not bad at all. [Takes 
off glasses.] Can I believe my eyes? She's 
beautiful ! Actually beautiful. Oh, joy ! This 
is some joke of Winkler's. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 89 

Jane. 
[0.] What's it a scene from ? 

More. 
[r. c] Seen from " A Pair of Spectacles." 

Jane. 
Oh, I just love that play. Go on. 

More. 
Olive, my dear ! 

Jane. 
OUve? 

More. 
I should say Jane. Jane, you exceed my 
wildest expectations. 

Jane. 
Oh, I'm so glad. And do you really think 
I'll succeed ? 

More. 
You have succeeded already. 

Jane. 
Then let's begin the rehearsal. 

More. 
Kehearsal! Oh, for the ceremony. Of 
course, of course. 



90 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Jane. 
What part are you going to take ? 

Moke. 
Part ? Oh, I see you mean " All the world's 
a stage," and of course I am to play the happy 
bridegroom. [Jane laughs.^ What's the joke ? 

Jane. 
Oh, excuse me for saying it but I can't quite 
imagine you as a lover. [Crosses to R- 

More. 
And why not ? 

Jane. 
Aren't you a trifle old ? 

More. 
[Angry. 1 Old? Old? Young lady, I'd 
have you know 

Jane. 
[Interrupting. ^^ I beg your pardon. I'm very 
sorry if I've offended you. 

More. 
That's all right, little girl. Perhaps I'm not 
as young as I used to be. Ah, but my heart at 
least never grows old. [Takes o^tt paper ^ looks 
at it tioo or three times as he recites.^ Listen : 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 9I 

^* Fairest, rarest maid in this whole world, 
For thee my heart is all unfurled, — 
When at thy feet I lay it bare. 
Thy smile shall be reflected there. ^^ 

Jane. 
Yery good. What's it from ? 

More. 
From the deepest cavern of my heart, dar- 
ling. Your lips are tempting. May I steal 
just one ? \Ent&r Winklee, l. 

Jane. 
Are you still acting ? {Crosses to L. 

More. 
Acting ? No, Jane, I'm in earnest. Sweet- 
heart, come to my arms. 

{Attempts to embrace her. 

Jane. 
[Bunning away.] How dare you, sir ? 

Winkler. 
[c] Hold on. [Jane l. c. 

More. 
[r. c] Well, Bill, everything seems to be 
O.K. 

Winkler. 
Everything seems to be N. G. 



92 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

More. 
Ah, that was a good joke you played on me, 
"William. But it's all right. I'm more than 
satisfied. 

Winkler. 
But you haven't seen her yet — she isn't quite 
ready. 

More. 
Haven't seen ? 

Winkler. 

No, this isn't the one. 

More. 
But I have already won this one. 

Winkler. 
Well, then, uny^m her right away. This 
young lady's engaged to be married. 

More. 
I know ; of course she is. 

Jane. 
Oh, uncle, you're so stupid. Don't you see ? 
This is the tragedian I was telling you about. 
He was giving me a lesson in acting." 

Winkler and More. 
Nonsense ! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 93 

More. 

Why, my dear child, I Winkler, tell 

her who I am. 

Winkler. 
Certainly ; my dear, this gentleman is from 
the agency and he came 



More. 
Agency ! What are you talking about, 
Winkler ? \_Excited. 

Winkler. 
[Aroused.] You came in response to my 
message, didn't you ? 

More. 
I most certainly did. 

Winkler. 
Well, then, what are you getting so excited 
about ? 

More. 
I thought you understood 



Winkler. 
I do ; it's all right. 

More. 
But there's a mistake somewhere. 



94 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

WiNKLEE. 
Of course there is, but don't worry. You'll 
forgive him, won't you, dear ? 

Jane. 
Of course, if he didn't mean anything. 

More. 
yConfused?^ I don't know whether I meant 
anything or not. \Ilnhhing his headJ] You 
see, my friend, I'm just a little confused. 

Winkler. 
Of course. Now you go right into my room 
and take a little rest until your mind gets 
cleared. 

More. 
Perhaps it'll be best. 

Winkler. 
Your bride isn't quite ready yet. 

More. 
But you said that this lady and I — I don't 

quite see 

Winkler. 
I know you don't yet. Get in there and 
keep still until I call you, and you'll have your 
eyes opened. [Pushes him into room and 
doses the door.] I'm engineering this mar- 
riage. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 95 

Jane. 
Oh, uncle, what a terrible mistake ! 

Winkler. 

Never mind, Jane, everything'll be all right 
as soon as Benjamin More arrives. And in 
the meantime you go and help your aunt get 
herself into trim. 

Jane. 

Into trim. What for ? 

Winkler. 

Why, this gentleman in there has come here 
to propose to her and I hope he'll win her in 
time for a double wedding at six o'clock. 

Jane. 

And he mistook me for Aunt Jane ? Oh, I 
shall never forgive him as long as I live, 
[^c] The idea! [Winkler Z^w^A^.] You 
can go and get Aunt Jane into trim yourself. I 
won't. \Exit^ G.,toL. 

Winkler. 

Well, perhaps I had better hustle her along 
a little. He may get nervous and not wait. 
You never can tell. 

[J^nter Sam, c, wheeling a large Umiik 
from R. 



96 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Sam. 
Is this your trunk, suh ? 

Winkler. 
No, it's not my trunk. {Exit^ l. 

Sam. 

[ Wheeling it off.] Ah wush Ah could find 
de owner of dis heah trunk. 

[Exit, c. Goes L. jEkter Bob, c. from 
R., disguised as Kitty ; dressed com- 
jpletel/y i7i red, wears veil, carries suit- 
case marked " Kitty Benders " and 
red parasol y looks about, then sits at 
table and rifigs. Enter Ting, c, sees 
Bob hut thinks he is a woman. Busi- 
ness of putting himself in order, 
straightening tie, brushing himself 
off, etc. 

TiNa. 
{At table.] Did you ring, madam ? 

Bob. 

[Female voice.] Oh, yes. 

[Smiles and flirts with Ting, who is 
delighted. 

Ting. 
Did you want to order something ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 97 

Bob. 
Yes. 

Ting. 
{Politely^ We have some very nice hum- 
ming birds* tongues to-day. 

Bob. 
Bring me a kangaroo steak and a package of 
Moguls. 

Ting. 
[Somewhat shocked.^ I'm extremely sorry, 
madame, but it's against the rules of the house 
to serve tobacco to ladies. 

Bob. 

[In his own voice.] Well, you darn fool, 
can't you see I'm no lady ? 

Ting. 

[^Recognizing him.] Bob ! 

Bob. 
[Laughing.] Well, what do you think of it ? 
[ Walks about to L., then hack to R. 

Ting, 
[l. c] Great ! Simply perfect, old man ! 

Bob. 
It was an awful squeeze but I got in. 



98 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 
If you'd kept still I'd been making love to 
you in five minutes. You're a peach. 

Bob. 
You really didn't know me ? 

Ting. 
Why, your own mother wouldn't recognize 
you. Besides Uncle Bill has lost his specs. 

{Takes them from his pocket ^ j^uts them 
hdck into pocket / laugJis. 

Bob. 
Oh, I won't do a thing but put a crimp in 
Winkler's good name. {Crosses to L. 

Ting. 
I've already started things for you. Uncle 
Bill thinks that More is the man from the mat- 
rimonial agency. {LaugJis. 

Bob. 
How'd you do that ? 

Ting. 
I hardly know myself ; it just kind of hap- 
pened. 

Jane. 
[^c] Suzette! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 99 

Bob. 
\Startled.'\ Jumping Jerusalem ! 

[ Crosses to R. 

Ting. 
[^Ruruning wp c, looking off and coming hack.J 
It's Jane. [Bushes Bob i?ito chair.] Sit down ! 
[Bob sits r. c. Ty^g pulls the veil over Bob's 
face'] — and let the good work begin. I'm off. 

Bob. 
Don't leave me, Ting. 

Ting. 
Shut up, " Kitty." [Exit, c, to R. 

Bob. 
I'm scared stiff. 

[Fixes hiinself. Pause. Enter Jane, 
G.^from L. 

Jane. 
[c. D.] Suzette ! [Sees Bob.] Oh, I beg your 
pardon. 

Bob. 
[Clearing his throat and pausing before dar- 
ing to speak in girVs voice.] You're entirely 
welcome. 

Jane. 
[To herself.] What a strange woman ! [To 
hi7n.] Are you waiting for any one ? 



ICX5 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 

[Keeping his face from her.] Yes ; are you 
acquainted with Mr. William Winkler ? 

Jane. 
He's mj uncle. 

Bob. 
Ah, indeed ! 

Jane. 
Yes ; do you know him ? 

Bob. 

Know him ? Why, my dear child, every- 
thing that I am in this world I owe to your 
uncle. 

Jane. 

I'll go and find him for you. [Starts L. ; 
then conies hack.] Did you tell me your name ? 

Bob. 
Well, William always calls me Kitty. 

Jane. 

Kitty ! 

Bob. 
K-i-double t-y, Catty — Kitty. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY lOI 

Jane. 
Can it be possible ? 

Bob. 
If you don't believe me look on the suit-case. 

Jane. 
You're Kitty Benders, the actress ? 

Bob. 

And the girl guessed right the very first time. 

\Crosses to L. 

Jane. 

Oh ! [Almost afraid to ask?^ You — you're 
a friend of Mr. Baxter's — aren't you ? 

Bob. 
Never heard the name before. 

Jane. 
Perhaps you called him Bobbie. 

Bob. 
Bobbie I I knov^^ a policeman of that name. 

Jane. 

But you surely haven't forgotten Bobbie 
Baxter so soon ? 



I02 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
Do you doubt the word of a lady ? 

Jane. 
Aren't you the Kitty that sent Bobbie a 
letter and your photograph ? 

Bob. 
I guess you've got the wroDg pussy, my 
child. I'm perfectly satisfied with " Willious." 

Jane. 
\J(yyously?[ You mean my uncle ? 

Bob. 
I mean William Winkler, the gayest old 
sport that ever opened a bottle of champagne. 

{Crosses to R. 

Jane. 
TheD you wrote to him ? 

Bob. 
You're right, I wrote. 

Jane. 
Oh, how I have wronged Bobbie ! \S/iU. 

Bob. 
What'd you do to him ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 103 

Jane. 
I didn't believe him when he told me that 
the letter and picture were meant for Uncle 
William. I thought he was in love with you, 
and oh, I've been so mistaken. 

\_Throws herself on sofa and cries. Bob 
throws kisses hehind her hack and holds 
out his arms as if to enibi'ace her. 
Business. 

Bob. 
What's become of Kobert ? 

Jane. 
Oh, I don't know — he said he was going to 
commit suicide. 

Bob. 
One moment. Is your name Jane ? 

Jane. 
Yes, ma'am. 

Bob. 
[Taking note from the hamd-hag^ Well, 
somebody handed this to me as I came in. It 
may be news from Mr. Baxter. 

Jane. 
Yes, it's Bob's hand. Oh, dear, I'm afraid to 
open it. 



104 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
Be brave, my dear ; he may only have drowned 
himself. 

Jane. 
[^Opening and reading.'] "Jane, when this 
you see I shall be eating angel food." 

Bob. 
[^To himself. 1 Or deviled ham. 

Jane. 
"Good-bye forever, from one who loved 
you." [Cries.'] Oh, dear ! I shall never see 
my Bobbie again ! 

Bob. 

[Sitting beside her.] I know better than that, 
my girl. [Puts arm around her.] He'll be 
around. There! That's right, have a good 
cry. 

Jane. 
If I only had some one who could sympathize 
with me. 

Bob. 
What's the matter with me, Jane ? Come, 
dear, rest your head upon my bosom. [Jane 
throws her arms about his neck and puts her 
head on his shoulder.] I'll be a mother to you. 
There ! There ! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 105 

Jane. 
But I loved him so. 

Bob. 
I know, I know. But come now, Jane, cheer 
up ! Come, dry your eyes, dearie. Bobbie may 
turn up yet. The news may be false. Don't 
give up hope yet — please don't ! 

Jane. 
But it seems like hugging a delusion. 

Bob. 

[Jumping up. '] Delusion! [Feeling of him- 
self^.'] Has anything separated ? 

[Jumps up cmd goes R. 

Jane. 
But won't you come and help me look for 
him ? [Eises c. 

Bob. 
I don't think we need to drag the frog pond, 
Jane, but I'll go. 

Jane. 
[As they go.] Oh, do you really think 
Bobbie's alive? 

Bob. 
He's just as much alive as I am. I feel it in 
my bones. Come on. [They exeunt, c. Go L. 



I06 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
\EnteTS L. Crosses to door R. Knochs.'] I 
hope Aunt Jane's man hasn't escaped. [^Ualls 
through door.] Hello, in there ! 

More. 
[ Of R.] HeUo, out there ! 

Winkler. 
Say, my friend, if you'll come out into this 
room in about five minutes, you'll meet your 
future wife — she's almost ready, now. 

More. 
All right. 

Winkler. 
Delicacy forbids me to be present at the 
interview, but before I go is there anything I 
can do for you ? 

More. 
" Nay, nay, Pauline." 

Winkler. 
By the way, you'll find a long black bottle 
on the wash-stand right next to the tooth-brush 
mug. 

More. 
Yes. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I07 

Winkler. 

Perhaps you'd better take a small swallow 
before you face the music. 

More. 
I have. 

Winkler. 
Well, then, take another. 

More. 
I have. 

Winkler. 

Great Scott ! We're going to have a drunk- 
ard in the family. \To nim/} Why don't you 
take the whole bottle ? 

More. 
I have. 

Winkler. 

He has! Well, I'm glad for Jane's sake 
there wasn't much in it. [To him.] Good 
luck ! Now to find out where Benjamin More 
is. [Looks at watch.] It's getting dangerously 
near six and I'm worried. 

[Ibit, c. Goes R. Miter Aunt Jane, 
L., shyly, expectantly. She is elaho- 
rately dressed and powder is plainly 



I08 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

visible on her face. She looks about / 
sits; clears her throat; begins to 
doubt; is disaj^poiiited. Sits R. c. 
Enter Bob, c.^from L., still in dress, 
without hat. 

Bob. 

Madame, I beg your pardon, but are you ex- 
pecting company ? 

Aunt Jane. 
My husband. 

Bob. 
[Surprised.] Are you married ? 

Aunt Jane. 

Well, it's the same thing. I'm going to be 
at sunset. 

Bob. 

But, madame, do you think it's safe ? 

Aunt Jane. 
What do you mean ? 

Bob. 

I mean that your face is so full of powder 
that if you ever struck a match there'd be an 
awful explosion. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 109 

Aunt Jane. 
[LooMng at herself in hand mirror.'] You 
insulting creature ! Powder, the idea of such a 
thing ! [ Uses powder puff. 

Bob. 
Say, are you related to Willie Winkler ? 

Aunt Jane. 
I am Mr. Winkler's only sister-in-law. 

Bob. 
Thank the Lord for that. 

Aunt Jane. 
What do you mean, you bold woman ? 

[Rises. 

Bob. 
I mean I'm glad there aren't any more at 
home like you. 

Aunt Jane. 
Who are you, anyway ? 

Bob. 
I'm going to be your sister-in-law, twice re- 
moved. 

Aunt Jane. 
What? 



no THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
Yes, Will and I are going to housekeeping. 

[Crosses to R. 

Aunt Jane. 
What's your name ? 

Bob. 

Kitty. 

Aunt Jane. 
Kitty ! Not Kitty the play actress ? 

Bob. 
I'm the article as advertised. [07'osses to L. 

Aunt Jane. 
Then that letter did belong to William after 
all and not to Bobbie Baxter ? 

Bob. 
You bet your sweet life it was William's. 
William's the Willie for me, and I'm going to 
stick to the old boy, just as long as his money 
holds out. 

Aunt Jane. 
[Horrified.] Oh, you wretch ! The deceiver ! 
[ Crosses to L.] To bring a horrible actress into 
our midst ! Oh, I shall never forgive him for 
this ! Never ! But I won't let him marry you, 
vou bold, bad, wicked actress ! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY III 

Bob. 

Forget it, old lady ! 

{Shakes shirts in her face. 

Aunt Jane. 

Oh, I'll not stand this another minute ! Oh, 
William, how could you ? If he's deceived me 
in this, he'll deceive me about my husband! 
Oh, dear ! Suzette ! Suzette ! Suzette ! my 
salts! 

[^Exit^ L. Bob falls onto sofa in fit of 
laughter. More sticks his head in 
door R. His dress is slightly disar- 
ranged^ and while not drunk he is feel- 
ing happy from the effects of the hottle. 

More. 

Five minutes must be up— I guess. [Sees 
Bob.] Yes, there she is, waiting for me. 
[Referring to red dress^ Looks like a case of 
scarlet fever. I hope she's contagious. [ Whistles. 
Waves handkerchief foolishly.'] Cuckoo ! [Bob 
hears hut does not move ; More crosses to c] 
Jane 1 

Bob. 

[Sitting up,] Did you speak to me ? 

More. 
I did. 



112 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
{RishigP^ How dare you, sir ? 

More. 

Have I made another mistake ? Aren't you 
Jane? 

Bob. 

Jane ? Oh, yes, of course. Of course I'm 
Jane. Who said I wasn't ? 

MOEE. 

Well, I'm Benjamin. 

Bob. 
Benjamin ? 

More. 
Yes — Benjamin More. 

Bob. 

Oh! How do you do? I've been waiting 
for you, of course, Mr. Benjamin. 

More. 
Keally ! \To himself ?\ She's a peach. 

Bob. 
Won't you be seated ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY II3 

More. 

Thanks. \_Sits^ tlwn risesJ] Jane — Jane 

[Crosses unsteadily to end of sofa, 'R. Q.^ where 
Bob sits.'] Jane, I suppose you know my pur- 
pose in coming here ? 

Bob. 
[Making room for him on sofa.] Did you 
come on purpose ? 

More. 
On purpose to ask you to be my partner. 

[Sits. 
Bob. 
Do you want a waltz or a two-step ? 

More. 
I want you to waltz with me through life. 

Bob. 
Say, are you proposing to me ? 

More. 
Such was my intention. 

Bob. 
Oh, Mr. More, this is such a suddenness 1 

More. 
[Putting his arm around Bob.] Call me 
Bennie. 



114 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
Oh, I dare not. {Rises and crosses to R. 

Moke. 
{Reading from cuff.'] Jane, listen : [Rises. 

" Fairest, rarest maid in this whole world, 
For thee my hair is all uncurled." 

Bob. 

Exquisite ! But, Benjamin, do you really and 
truly mean what you say ? 

More. 
I love you madly, passionately. 

Bob. 

And you swear that you will never pay 
another's board bill ? 

More. 
If I do, Jane, it'll be with your money. 

Bob. 
Then you really want me ? 

More. 
I do. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 11$ 

Bob. 

Then I'm yours. 

\Throws himself heavily into More's 
arms, nearly knocking him, down. 
MoEE struggles. Business of hold- 
ing, etc. 

More. 
That's right, lean on me, honey-bubble. 

Bob. 
I'm so happy ! 

More. 
[Kissing him.] You cute thing ! 

Bob. 
Shall we be married at once, Bennie ? 

More. 
Yes, Jennie. 

Bob. 

Then I must go now and prepare for the 

wedding. [To himself] By getting a shave. 

[Crosses and gets parasol. 

More. 
Will it be long? 



Il6 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 

I should say so, if I don't hurry up. Ta, ta. 
{Throws him a kiss. Exit, c. Goes R. 
More shows great delight. Shakes 
hands with himself and is walking 
about y sees suit-case— jpicks it u^, 
reads '''' Kitty ^"^ jputs it down and pro- 
ceeds to straighten tie, etc. Enter 
Winkler, c.,from l. side. 

Winkler. 
Well, has she been here yet ? 

More. 
[r.] She has. 

Winkler. 
[l. c] What's the verdict ? 

More. 

I fell in love with her at first sight. She's 
divine ! 

Winkler. 

Divine ! I'm afraid you saw through a glass 
darkly. 

More. 

No, William, I was so enraptured that I 
never thought of the smoked glasses. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY WJ 

Winkler. 

Do you mean to say that you thought her 
beautiful with the naked eye ? 

More. 

It may have been immodest, William, but I 
did. And she's promised to marry me at once. 

Winkler. 
Easy money ! Put her there, old man ! 
You're my friend for life. 

More. 
Let's go outside and celebrate the occasion 
with a quiet little lemonade. 

Winkler. 
With pleasure. Is this your suit-case ? 

More. 
No, it belongs to some one named Kitty 
Benders. Hurry up. I'm thirsty. 

\Exit^ c. Goes L. 

Winkler. 
Kitty ! Kitty ! Great Heaven, I'm doomed. 
{Goes L. Enter Ting, o.^from r. 

Ting. 
Lady to see you, Mr. Winkler. 



Il8 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 

Take her away ! I don't want to see her ! 
I won't see her, do you hear me ? 

Ting. 
{Going up c] All right. 

[Beckons. Enter Bob, c, from R. 

Bob. 
{Rushing to Winkler with outstretched 
a/rms.] William, at last I have found you ! 

Winkler. 
[Frightened, trying to push him off.'] Kitty, 
in Heaven's name what are you doing here ? 

[Crosses to R. 

Bob. 

Kiss me, William. 

[Kisses him. Ting stands up c. with 
Winkler's glasses on laughing. 

Winkler. 

{Throwing something at Ting.] Get out! 
Go get me a cigar. [ Up r. and down L. 

Ting. 

Yes, sir. 

[Exit, c. Goes R. Bob kisses Winkler 
again. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY II9 

Winkler. 
Kitty, in Heaven's name stop ! It's not safe. 
What are you doing here ? Didn't you get my 
telegram to stay away ? {Tries door u. L. 

Bob. 
Yes, and that's why I came. 

Winkler. 
Heavens ! Kitty, you can't stay here another 
minute. If you do I'm a ruined man. 

{Looks offv.c. 
Bob. 
[c] You're ashamed of me ? ^ 

Winkler. 
No, it's not that, ivitt}^ ; you're one of the 
best girls that [douut n. c] ever lived. But 
I'm engineering two very important operations 
involving thousands of dollars, and your pres- 
ence here will upset the whole thing. 

Bob. 
But I don't understand. 

{Crosses to R. c. and sits. 

Winkler. 

Well, you see, my sister-in-law is very much 

prejudiced against the stage, and if she should 

find out that I was intimate — [c] with you, 

she'd — well — 1\\ have to go to work, that's all. 



120 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
But, dearie, I came up here especially to get 
acquainted with the family. 

Winkler. 
Great Scott ! You can't do it, Kitty. Now 
listen ! If I can marry my niece Jane to 
Benjamin More, I get a cool ten thousand 
dollars and ten thousand more from my old- 
maid sister-in-law for securing her a husband. 
Now, my dear girl, I'm just on the verge of 
victory, and you don't want to defeat me, do 
you ? 

Bob. 

But why do I interfere ? 

{Rises and crosses to L. 

Winkler. 
Oh, there isn't time to explain it again. But 
just take my word for it, you'll spoil the whole 
blamed business if you don't disappear im- 
mediately. Now, Kitty, once more, if you 
love me, go. 

Bob. 

All right, I'll go for your sake, but don't 
think it's easy for me to make the sacrifice. It 
hurts, old boy. {Placing hand on heart] It 
hurts right here. {Tries to ease corset] You 
don't know how it hurts me. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 121 

Winkler. 

You won't regi^et it, Kitty. \Takes out 
watch.] Now you've got just time to catch 
the limited for Weehawken. I'll go get a car- 
riage. You hide in my room and wait till I 
come back for you. [Pus/ies Bob off r. and 
closes door and picking up suit-case runs ex- 
citedly up c] Samuel, get me a horse at once. 
Samuel I A horse, a horse ! 

[^Exit, G.,to J.. Bob reappears in door- 
way ; takes off wig. 

Bob. 

[r. c, mopping his hrow.] Whew ! It's 
about one hundred and twenty-three degrees in 
the shade under that wig. [Laughs.] Gee ! 
How dry I am. 

[£kter Ting, c^from r., with tray on which 
are a s?nall bottle and glass containing 
a cigar and matches. 

Ting. 
Where's Winkler ? 

Bob. 
[Taking bottle.] Just what I want. 

[Drinks. Crosses to L. 

Ting. 
Bob, what are you doing ? 

[c. Takes bottle away from him. 



122 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
{Makirig face^ Gee ! What is it ? 

Ting. 
Aunt Jane's hair tonic. 

Bob. 

Help ! Give me that cigar quick. 

{Takes cigar. 

Ting. 
It's Winkler's. 

Bob. 

He's too busy to smoke just now. Here, 
hold this while I get a light. 

[Ting jputs tray on table R. Takes wig 
and Bob lights cigar. 

Ting. 
What's become of the old boy, anyway ? 

Bob. 

Gone for a carriage to take Kitty awajr. 

{Takes Ting's hat amd fans himself. 
Sits. 

Ting. 

[Sitting beside Bob.] What are you going to 
do? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I23 

Bob. 
Ride down to the station and then refuse to 
get on the train. \.They laugh. 

Ting. 

Poor Winkler ! But we'd better watch out. 
He's liable to come back, isn't he ? 

Bob. 
Not yet. Say, I wonder what's become of 
Bennie. We're engaged, you know. {Tkey 
laugh?\^ Ting ! {Laughs. 

Ting. 

Well? 

Bob. 
Will you be a flower girl at the wedding ? 

Ting. 
Sure! 

{They laugh heartily and slap each other. 
Business. Enter Jane, G.^from l. 

Jane. 
I beg your pardon. 

[Ting a'tid Bob jump up in confusion. 
Bob puts on Ting's cap and Ting 
puts on tJie loig. Bob discovers wig 
a/nd thro^oing Ting his cap motions 
him to exchange loig. TiNG does not 



124 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

understand at first. Finally throws 
wig to Bob, who gets it on hackward. 
Bob then discovers that lie still has 
cigar ^ and tosses it to Ting. Bob he- 
hind sofa. Business ad lib. 

Ting, 
[r.] Did you ring, Miss ? 

Jane. 
[c] Mr. Tinglepaugh, I'm surprised. 

Ting. 
Not half as surprised as we were. 

Jane. 
Such disgraceful actions ! 

Ting. 
I'll explain it, Miss. 

Jane. 
It's not necessary, Mr. Tinglepaugh. Miss 
Kitty Benders, aren't you ashamed of yourself ? 
[^Pause. No answer.] Uncle William may 
know you smoke, but I'm sure he doesn't know 
you're bald-headed ! [Snatches wig from Bob's 
head.] Bobbie Baxter ! 

Bob. 
[l. c] I seem to be discovered. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 12$ 

Jane. 
But I thought you had committed suicide. 

Bob. 
The water was too chilly, Jane. 

Jane. 
Oh, Bob, how could you do such a thing ? 

Bob. 
It was for your sake, Jane. 

Jane. 
And to think of what I told you ! But it 
wasn't true. You had no right to listen. 
You've deceived me again, Mr. Baxter, and I 
hate you for it. 

Bob. 
But I did it for your sake, Jane. 

Jane. 
Don't ever speak to me again. I hate you. 
If Benjamin More were here I'd marry him this 
minute. I hate, hate, hate you ! 

[Jane hursts into tears and exits L. 

Bob. 

l^After a mo7ne7it.] Whistle some slow music, 
will you, Ting, while I finish the hair oil ? 



126 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ting. 
I'll do nothing of the kind. She didn't mean 
a word she said. 

Bob. 
Are you sure ? 

Ting. 
Yes ; hurry up and explain to her before she 
warns Winkler. 

Bob. 
Great Scott ! She's got the wig, too. [ Goes^ 
Jane, Jane, I want to explain ! 

\Exit^ L. Enter Sam wheeling trunk 
from L. 

Sam. 
Am dis your trunk ? 

Ting. 
Don't talk to me, I'm busy. 

{Takes tray with hottle^ etc. Exit, C. 
Goes R. 

Sam. 
[Shaking head and wiping hrow.] If Ah 
ever fin' de gentleman what owns dis [going 

down L.] trunk Ah'll 

[Enter Kitty Benders, c. She is 
dressed almost identically the same as 
Bob a/rid has suit-case marked " Kitty 
Benders y Puts suit-case down R. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 12/ 

Kitty, 
[r. c] This is the Halcyon House, isn't it ? 

Sam. 
[l. c, howing.^ Yaas'm, yaas'm. Dis am 
de Halcyon House. Did you get one of the 
booklets ? 

Kitty. 
I'm looking for Mr. William "Winkler. Is he 
here ? 

Sam. 
He suah am. 

Kitty. 
Then that's all right. Is this the register ? 

Sam. 
[Goirig hehind desk.] Yaas'm. It suah am. 
[Ho/riding the pen.'] Will you scribble in de 
photograph album ? 

Kitty. 

[Laughing.] Certainly. Now, I'm Kitty 
Benders, leading lady of " The Girl in Eed " 
Company and of course I want the best you 
have. 

Sam. 
Ah'm very sorry, Missus, dat " suite sixteen " 
am tooken. 



128 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Kitty. 
Oh, well, give me the next best. Here's a 
little Christmas present for you, my friend, 
and if you're good to me there'll be some more 
later on. Now go find Winkler, and tell him 
there's a lady wants to see him. 

Sam. 
Yaas'm. Thank you bery much. Missus. 
Ah'll hurry fas' as Ah kin. 

S^Exit^ c, with trunk. Goes L. 

Winkler. 
{Off c. to L.] Whoa ! Sam, where in the 
name of humanity have you been ? I had to 
harness up the horse myself. 

[ When Kitty hears his voice she hides 
in room R. Enter WiNKLER, 0.^ fol- 
lowed hy Sam, from l. 

Sam. 
Mr. Winkler, dere am a lady ter see you, suh 
— a lady to see you. 

Winkler. 
What ! A lady to see me ? 

Sam. 
[Looking around.'] Yaas, suh. She was 
here jes' a moment ago. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 29 

Winkler. 
[ Worried. '\ What kind of a lady ? 

Sam. 
A beautiful red lady, suh. 

Winkler. 

Confound Kitty! {^Crosses to L.] Samuel, 
here's a Christmas present for you. {^G-ivea 
him money. ^ Now you haven't seen anybody, 
have you ? 

Sam. 

Not unless you say so, Marse Winkler. 

Winkler. 

All right. Now you go outside and hold the 
horse and keep your eyes shut. You're blind. 
Understand ? 

Sam. 

Yaas, suh. Ah'm glad Christmas comes 
more'n once'n a year. [^Exit, c. Goes L. 

Winkler. 

{Taking Kitty's suit-case?^ I thought I 
took that thing down. She must have had 
two. Kitty ! {Opening door R.] Hurry ; we 
haven't a minute to lose. 

[Starts iij) c. Bnter Kitty, r. 



I30 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Ejtty. 
[ With outstretched arms?^ 'W'illiam ! 

WlXKLER. 

{Starting up 8t<ige7\ We'll just make her. 

Kitty. 
Aren't you going to kiss me ? 

Winkler. 

Kitty, for Heaven's sake, I can't keep kissing 
you ^x^TT five minutes. 

{Gets aicay from her. Crosses to L. 

Ejtty. 
But aren't yoti glad to see me ? 

Winkler. 
Kitty, now don't be foolish when you know 
weVe got to hustle. [Crosses to R, 

Kitty. 

Hustle, where ? . [Sits on sofa. 

Winkler. 
To the station, of course. 

Kitty. 

Are you going away ? 

Winkler. 

Ko, but you are. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 131 

Kitty. 
Well, I like that. 

WlXKLER. 

Kitty, the carriage is at the door. 

Kitty. 

What do I care ? 

WlXKLZE. 

[Desperately.^ But your promise. 

Kitty. 
What promise ? 

Winkler. 
What promise ? Didn't you tell me you'd get 
out of here at once ? 

Kitty. 
Certainly not. 

Winkler. 
Kitty, you'll ruin me if you stay here another 
minute. 

Kitty. 

William Winkler, I don't know what you're 

talking about {rising] but if you think you're 

going to ship me out of the way you're 

mightily mistaken. I want you to undei^tand 



132 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

that whether you like it or not, I'm here for 
the summer. 

WiNKLEK. 

But, my dear girl, I explained the whole 
thing to you. 

Kitty. 
Explained nothing. YouVe been drinking, 
I'm afraid. {Crosses to L. 

Winkler. 
I'll be drmking rough-on-rats in about two 
minutes if you don't come. 

Aunt Jane. 
[ Off L.] William ! William ! 

Winkler. 
[^Running to her in a frenzy. '\ Oh, Kitty ! 
You've ruined me. 

Kitty. 
What is the matter with you, William ? 

Winkler. 
I can't explain, but if you love me, get back 
into my room at once. 

Kitty. 
But I don't understand. {^Crosses to l. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I 33 

Winkler. 
{Dragging her toward door R.] For my 
sake, Kitty. It's all for the best, old girl ! 
Please ! 

Kitty. 
All right. Don't have a fit. I'll go, but it's 
mighty queer. 

Winkler. 
{Pulling her into room?^ Good for you, 
Kitty. I'll call you as soon as I can and 
explain everything. Quick ! In you go ! 
{Pushes her out of sights throws suit-case after 
her^ hangs door shut, and locks it, puts key in 
his pocket and turns hack with a sigh of relief ^^ 
Whew ! That was a close shave I 

{Enter Bob quickly L. with hat on. 

Bob. 
Is the carriage ready, William ? 

Winkler. 
Kitty ! Bring me the rough-on -cats ! 

{Swoons in chair R. c. 



CURTAIN 



THE THIED ACT 

SCENE. — The same as in Acts I and IT. 

Winkler is discovered in exactly the same 
position as at end of Act II. He gradually 
''' comes to " and seems to have a hazy idea 
of what happened. In pantomime he tries 
to figure it out hut his expression indicates 
that the problem is too great to he solved- 
Finally he takes hey from pockety goes 
stealthily to door R., inserts key and is just 
ahout to unlock it. Enter Sam, Q.^from l. 

Sam. 
\Excitedly. c] Say, Mai^e Winkler, 
Ah 

Winkler. 

{Jumping as if shot.] How dare you frighten 
me like that ? ' Can't you see that I'm on the 
verge of a nervous collapse ? 

Sam. 
Ah'm berry sorry, suh, if Ah interrupted any- 
thin'. 

Winkler. 
Is there a physician in the hotel ? 
134 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 35 

Sam. 
No, sah. 

Winkler. 
Oh, I'm too young to die like this ! Sam, 
come here. [Takes hold of him.'] Do I look 
perfectly natural to you ? 

Sam. 
[After looking at him.'] Not any worse'n 
usual, suh. 

Winkler. 
You don't think I look as though I'd lost my 
mind or gone mad, do I ? 

Sam. 
No, suh. 

Winkler. 
But there must be something the matter 

with me — [crossing to L.] or perhaps Sam, 

did you ever hear of this place being haunted ? 

Sam. 
No, suh. 

Winkler. 
Then how am I to explain? — [Looks at 
door R.] Oh, it was too quick to be possible ! 
— Look here, my friend, you haven't seen that 
red lady in a young dress again, have you ? 



136 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Sam. 
Dat what ? 

Winkler. 

I knew I'd gone mad \Crosse8 to R.] I 

mean that young lady in a red dress. Have 
you seen her again ? 

Sam. 
You forgit dat Christmas present you gave 
me closed bofe my eyes. 

Winkler. 
Don't mock the injured, my friend. If 
you've seen her say so. Have you ? 

Sam. 
[r.] Yaas, suh. 

Winkler. 
In Heaven's name tell me where. 

Sam. 
Wal, it wus dis way, Marse Winkler : Ah was 
standin' out dar holdin' up de horse and buggy 
jes' as you telled me ter do, when all ob a sudden 
dat red lady fren' ob youse run out, jumped 
inter de wagon, switched up de horse, and dis- 
appeared rapidly down de hill and laffin' like a 
hyena. Ah never seen a lady ob any color act 
up sich disgracef ulness. It war a good ting Ah 
had my eyes closed. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 37 

Winkler. 
Which road did she take ? 

Sam. 
To de station. 

Winkler. 
Good ! Anybody see her ? 

Sam. 
No, suh. Eben de horse didn't know what 
was happenin'. 

Winkler. 
That's good news, Sam, and it makes me very 
happy. Now you keep this dark, my friend, 
and I'll see that you get a Christmas present 
once a month for the rest of your natural life. 

Sam. 
An' Ah hope Ah live a century. 

Winkler. 
So do I. Now you'd better go down and get 
the horse and while you're there be sure to find 
out whether or not she took the train for New 
York. 

Sam. 
Yaas, suh. Ah understand. 

{^Exii, c. Goes L. Winkler tries to 
figure out his delitsion again. Turns 



I3S THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

" Tranquillity " sign to wall. Busi- 
ness. Hesitates / Jmally goes to door 
R., listens^ peeks through keyhole. 
Enter Jane, l. 

Jane. 
[After watching him for a mornent.'] May I 
peek when you get through ? 

Winkler. 
[Jumping again.'] Oh ! Oh, Jane, Jane, 
yes. How do you do ? Isn't it warm for 
August? [Tries to smile.'] I was just— just — 
eh — have you noticed the keyholes in this hotel, 
Jane ? 

Jane. 
Don't be absurd. I know everythmg. 

Winkler. 
[Hoarsely.] Everything ! That's a good 
deal. 

Jane. 
There's some one locked in that room. 

Winkler. 
You're mistaken there, Jane. 

Jane. 
And what's more I know Jier name. 

[Sits on sofa. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 39 

Winkler. 
\NeT^o\isly^ Jane, I have every reason to 
believe that that room is unoccupied. 

Jane. 
Well, it doesn't make much difference be- 
cause I've had a long talk with her already. 

WiNKLEK. 

{Off guard.'] With Kitty ? 

[Catching himself. 
Jane. 
Yes— with " Kitty.'' [La^vghs. 

Winkler. 
I'm lost. {Braces up.'] But after all, there's 
nothing to be ashamed of. Kitty's one of the 
most ladylike ladies in New York. 

Jane. 
Excuse me for contradicting you, but I've 
never seen any one who was less of a lady than 
this Kitty. 

Winkler. 
Well, I must confess that she hasn't been 
herself up here. I guess it's the mountain air — 
never acted so before. 

Jane. 
If there's nothing to be ashamed of why did 
you deny the letter and photograph ? 



140 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
Well, I knew Aunt Jane's old-fashioned no- 
tions about the stage and so I 

Jane. 
So you sacrificed Bobbie. [Bises. 

Winkler. 

Eh, yes, yes, so it seems, I 

Jane. 
Well, it's your turn now, Mr. Winkler. 

Winkler. 
Aunt Jane doesn't know ? 

Jane. 
Not yet. [Crosses to R. 

Winkler. 
But, Jane, you wouldn't 

Jane. 
And why not ? 

Winkler. 
Because. Oh, Jane, don't be hard on an old 
man. Isn't there some way ? 

Jane. 
Yes, there is a way. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I4I 

WiNKLEK. 

What is it ? 

JAj^E. 

[c] Release me from any promise to marry 
Benjamin More and Aunt Jane shall never 
know. 

Winkler. 

But it wouldn't be very polite to give Ben a 
raincheck after all the distance he's come. 

Jane. 

He won't care. I don't believe he wants to 
marry me anyway. 

Winkler. 

Nonsense ! Haven't I got it in black and 
white that he does want to marry you ? 

\Crosses to R. 

Jane. 

But if you had it in black and white that he 
has changed his mind ? 

Winkler. 

If such an impossibilit}^ should happen, why, 
you can choose your own husband, provided of 
course you say nothing of Kitty to Aunt Jane. 



142 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Janp:. 
It's a bargain. I'll get him to sign it at 
once. 

Winkler. 

The only trouble is, his arrival before six 
o'clock looks rather doubtful. 

Jane. 
Why, he's been here for hours. 

Winkler, 
[r.] Who's been here for hours ? 

Jane. 
Do you mean to say you haven't seen him ? 

Winkler. 

\IIolding hia hea/l.^ Seen who ? 

J ANE. 

Benjamin More. 

Winkler. 
Oh, I'm in a pitiable state. After all my 
watching [crossing to L.] and praying, it isn't 
possible More has sneaked in without my see- 
ing him ? 

Jane. 
Well, he's here. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I43 

Winkler. 
Here! Where? Tell me, Jane, tell me 
where. 

Jane. 

The last I saw of him he was out in the 
summer house talking very earnestly to your 
Kitty. {La%ighs. 

Winkler. 
To Kitty ! Oh ! Worse arid worse. I'm 
up against it. [u. c] Where is that summer 
house, Jane ? 

Jane. 
Right at the end of Lover's Lane, uncle. 

Winkler. 
[Starting on a run.\ Lover's Lane. Oh ! 
[Exit^ c. Goes L. Jane rmis up c. 
am,d looks after him atul laughs. 
Knocking on outside of door r. Jane 
listens. Another knock louder OAid 
longer. Busiiiess. Jane goes to 
door. 

Jane. 
Any one knock ? 

Kitty. 
[Of R.] I most certainly did. 



144 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Jane. 
What do you want ? 

Kitty. 
I want to get out. 

Jane. 
How'd you get in ? 

Kitty. 
I was put in. 

Jane. 

Who are you ? 

Kitty. 
I'm Kitty Benders. 

Jane. 
{Toherself?^ It's Bobbie, [7b^^.] Uncle 
William thinks you've escaped. 

Kitty. 
Well, Willie has another think coming. Who 
is this ? 

Jane. 
It's me, dear. 

Kitty. 
Who's me ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I45 

Jane. 
Why, Jane, of course. 

Kitty. 
Well, Jane, can't you find a key to this door ? 

Jane. 
It's right here. 

Kitty. 
Good. Hurry and let me out or I'll break 
the door down. [Pounds and shakes. 

Jane. 
Wait a moment, dear. [Unlocks door.'] 
There ! [Ojpens door.] Out you come. 

[Kitty bursts into room and walks 
around furiously. Goes Ij., ujp and 
down. 

Kitty. 
Oh, where is he ? Where is the wretch ? 
I've never been treated so in all my life. The 
idea of locking me in his room and leaving me. 
I'll never forgive him to my dying day. 

Jane. 
[c] The most perfect acting I've ever seen. 
But Uncle William didn't think " KiUy " wa^ 
in his room. 



146 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Kitty. 
Konsense ! He didn't want to know, that's 
what's the matter. There's some mystery here 
and I'm going to find out [crossing to R.] what 
it is before I leave the hotel. 

Jane. 
[Zaughmg.] I guess you're the mystery, all 

right. [jSits. 

KlJTY. 

Young woman, in Heaven's name, what are 
you laughing at ? 

Jane. 
lLaughi7ig.] At you, of course. 

Kitty. 
[Angrily.] Well, it's no laughing matter for 
me, I can tell you. [Crosses to L. 

Jane. 
You're certainly clever, Bobbie. 

Kitty. 
[c] I told you my name was Kitty, Kitty 
Benders. 

Jane. 
I know, but there's no use of keeping it up 
any longer. Let's get these things off before 
Uncle William comes back. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY I47 

Kitty. 
Get what things off ? 

Your skirts, goosey. 

Kitty. 
{Shocked^ Well, I must say, young wom- 
an [Crosses to B. 

Jane. 
I know it's lots of fun, but I really like you 
much better in trousers. 

Kitty. 
[ Walking about] Oh, horrors ! Things get 
worse and worse. lUj? R., and down on l.] 
This is the most insulting family I've ever 
known. 

Jane. 
Oh, now, please stop, dear, and take off your 
wig. 

Kitty. 

[Furioiosly .] My wig ! 

Jane. 
Yes, you must be awfully hot, aren't you ? 

Kitty. 
You're right, I am hot, red hot. In fact I'm 
simply boiling over. [Goes L. 



148 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Jane. 

If you keep it up much longer I'll really be- 
gin to think you are this horrible Kitty. [Busi- 
ness for Kitty ^ You seem to get better and 
better at it. 

Kitty. 

And you seem to get worse and worse. 

\Sits on sofa. 

Jane. 

But seriously, dear, I have a most important 
piece of news for you. 

Kitty. 
I don't want to hear it. 

Jane. 

I've made a bargain with Uncle "William and 
he's agreed to let me marry whom I please and 
of course you know whom [rising^ I'll choose. 

Kitty. 
How should I know, and what do I care ? 

Jane. 

It's mean to make me say it, but I don't care. 
I'm not ashamed of my choice. You're it. 

[Close to her on L. c. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 49 

Kitty. 
The girl's out of her head. 

{Rises. Crosses to R. 

Jane. 
That is, of course, if you care for me still. 

Kitty. 
Well, I don't care for you still or noisy or 
any other way. [Sits^ R. 0. 

Jane. 
You mean that you don't love me any more ? 

Kitty. 
I do not. 

Jane. 
Very well, if you will be so smart I'll just 
take you at your word. I see I've made a mis- 
take and Tm sorry. If you want to marry me 
now you'll have to crawl on your hands and 
knees and beg with tears in your eyes. 

{Goes up c. 

Kitty. 
Poor girl ! 

Jane. 
[Up c] You're a mean, horrible, hateful 
thing. [^Enter Winkler, c.frmn L. 



ISO THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

WiNKLEE. 

There's no one in the summer house, Jane. 

Jane. 
I made a mistake, uncle. She's here. 

{Exit, L. 

Winkler. 
[c] Kitty ! At last I've found you. Where 
in Heaven's name have you been ? 

Kitty. 
{Seated R. c] I don't think it's necessary to 
answer that question. 

Winkler. 
But I do. 

Kitty. 
You know perfectly well where I've been. 

Winkler. 
Aha ! Then you acknowledge that you drove 
hilariously to the station, and flirted in the 
summer house with Benjamin More. 

Kitty. 
Preposterous ! You locked me in your room, 
didn't you ? \Rkes. Crosses to L. 

Winkler. 
Well, I thought I did. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 151 

Kitty. 
You know you did. 

Winkler. 
All right, but what I want to know is how 
you got out ? 

Kitty. 
The crazy girl let me out. 

Winkler. 
What crazy girl ? 

Kitty. 
Says her name is Jane. 

Winkler. 
Is Jane crazy too? Why, it was she who 
told me you were with More in the ice house — 
I mean summer house. 

Kitty. 
And it was you who told her I was not in 
your room. 

Winkler. 
Well, you weren't, were you ? 

Kitty. 
I most certainly was, and she unlocked the 
door for me not two minutes before you came 
in. 



152 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 
"Well, I know better than that myself. 

{Grosses to L. 

Kitty. 
Nonsense ! 

Winkler. 
Well, I guess I saw you. 

Kitty. 

Saw nothing ! 

Winkler. 
Do you mean to stand there and tell me that 
you didn't get out of that room about ten 
seconds after I turned the key ? 

Kitty. 
I tell you I've been out for less than three 
minutes. 

Winkler. 
I must have hallucinations or something. I'd 
swear I saw you. 

Kitty. 

{Getting hold of his hair.] I've had just 
about enough of this tomfoolery, do you hear ? 

Winkler. 
Oh, ow ! Kitty, for Heaven's sake, let go ! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 53 

Kitty. 

{Holding him.^ Did you lock me in that 
room ? 

Winkler. 
I did. 

Kitty. 
What for ? 

Winkler. 
I didn't want Aunt Jane to see you. 

Kitty. 
Oh ! Now have you seen me until this 
miuute since turning the key ? 

Winkler. 
Ouch ! Kitty ! 

Kitty. 
Answer me, have you ? 

Winkler. 
I don't know. 

Kitty. 
You do know. Answer me, yes or no. 

Winkler. 
No. 



154 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Kitty. 
{Letting him go.^ All right. Now, if you 
want to lock up anybody eCe you'd better try 
crazy Jane, before she gets you into any more 
trouble. 

WiNKLEU. 

Do you really think crazy Jane is crazy ? 

Kitty. 
I know it. Why, she wanted me to take off 
my — [crossing to L.] well — no matter — but if 
you will pardon the slang your niece has got 
kinks in her wires. 

Winkler. 

{After a sho7't pa me.] My wires are all 
down, I guess, [v. c] Terhaps I had better 
have Janecontined before — but honestly, Kitty, 
I don't quite undei-stand about that room busi- 
ness myself. 

Kitty. 
{Throiring pillow at him.] Oh, get out! 
{Kvit Winkler, c. Goes r. Kitty, np in 
telephone.'] Hello ! Give me the West Shore 
Station, please. {To herself.] I'm just about 
sick of this place, {hi 'phone.] Station ? 
When's the next train for Weehawken ? Six- 
fifty ? Thank you very much. 

{Enter More, Q.^frm/i L. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 155 

More. 
{Peeking around corner^ Peek-a-boo 1 

Kitty. 
\I)(ywn stage.] Another one ? [Down L. 

Moke. 
Don't run away, darling, I been lookin' f you, 
f you. 

Kitty. 
I never got in such a place in my life. 

Moke. 

[Crossf/ig unsteadily to her.] Give me a 
smack, wifey. 

Kitty. 

[Slapping him.] With pleasure, old man. 

[Crosses to R. of table. 

Moke. 
Oh! Now look here, dear heartr— why 
should we quarrel ? Let us at least wait until 
after the ceremony. 

Kitty. 
What ceremony V [^^'^ R- 



156 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Moke. 
Why, our wedding ceremony. We're going 
to be sliced — spliced at six, aren't we ? 

\SiU R. C. 

Kitty. 
Well, I must say I've never had so many 
proposals in such a short time. 

Moke. 
You're not going to back out, are you ? Re- 
member it is Winkler's wish. 

Kitty. 
{Laughirig?^ You don't say so. 

More. 

I do say so. 

Kitty. 

Well, I guess not. 

More. 
You 'fuse to keep your promise ? 

Kitty. 
Look here, old man, I've never seen you be- 
fore and I've never made you any promise. 

{^Rises. 

More. 
Oh, Jane, how can you play with me in this 
way ? You know you {Rises. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 5/ 

Kitty. 
{Going to ^ phone J\ I'm not playing ; I'm in 

earnest and [ Up R.] I've stood you just 

about long enough. Y^ou're drunk — and if you 
don't get out of this room immediately, I'll 
'phone for the Sheriff, do you hear me ? 

Moke. 
[Trying to hrace up.] Me drunk ? You're 
mistaken, my dear — I'm simply intoxicated — 
'toxicated with your radiant beauty. 

Kitty. 
[ With 'phofie to her lips.] Shall I call ? 

Moke. 
No, don't call, my dear. I'll go. [Crosses 
to R.J Since it is your wish, I will go. [ With 
attempt at dignity.] I go, but I shall return. 

[Exit, R. 

Kitty. 
[After locking door, R.] I guess I'd better 
hide until that six-fifty. 

[I^xit, G. to R. Enter Jane, l. She 
look^ around as if expecting to see 
some one; seems disappointed ; sits. 
Bob, outside, " Wlioa I " Snaps of a 
whip. " Take him to the ham, Sam?'' 
Enter Bob, c, from l., hat on. 



158 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
[Snajyping whip.] Oh, hello, Jane! Are 
you alone ? 

Jane. 

I was. 

Bob. 

Gee! I haven't had so much fun since 
grandpa had the whooping cough. Ha, ha, 
ha ! [/Snaps whi]}.~\ I've certainly queered the 
Halcyon's tranquillity for a while. [Laughs.'] 
I've got 'em all going now. [Laughs.] Even 
Samuel is blushing ! Doesn't it sound funny 
to you, Jane ? Why, Jane, what's the matter ? 
Jane ! Jane, you're not angry yet ? 

Jane. 
[Coldly.] Yes. [Remains seated. 

Bob. 
Why? 

Jane. 
You know very well. 

Bob. 
Pshaw ! You can't be angry at a little thing 
like that. You're forgetting, Jane, that I don't 
really belong to the feminine gender. You 
certainly can't object to a fellow's having a 
little sport before he gets 'em off. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 59 

Jane. 
You carried it a little too far and I meant 
what I said ; you've got to crawl to my feet and 
beg for pardon. 

Bob. 
Did you say that before ? 

Jane. 
You know I did. 

Bob. 
I'm perfectly willing, but, you see — well, the 
fact is, Jane, I'm afraid I couldn't get up again 
— you see the — but I'd rather crawl to your 
feet than any feet I know. 

Jane. 

{Laucjlumj^ Oh, Bobbie, it's simply impos- 
sible to be angry with you. {Rises. 

Bob. 
{Trying to embrace her.] I'm glad of it. 

Jane. 

{Getting/ away from Mm.] You mustn't do 
that, Bobbie. Remember that I'm engaged. 

{Crosses to R. 

Bob. 
You don't mean to say ? 



l6o THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Jane. 
Listen, I want you to do something for me. 

Bob. 

Kill him ? 

Jane. 

It won't be necessary to do that — but do you 
suppose you could get More to write a letter to 
Uncle saying that he refuses to many me ? 

Bob. 
I could get him to commit murder — but 
why ? 

Jane. 
Don't ask now — but get the letter and you 
won't regret it. 

Bob. 
All right, Jane. I'll get it. Where is he ? 

Jane. 
I think I know. \^Goes ujp c] I'll send him 
to you, and when he comes 

Bob. 
You leave Bennie to me. 

Jane. 
Yery well. Wait here. 

{Exit^ c. Goes L. More knocks on 
door, R. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY l6l 

More. 
[Calling through cbor.'] Jane, let me out. 

Bob. 
[At do(xr.'] Who is it ? 

More. 

Benjamin, of course. 

Bob. 

[Opening doar.] Why, Bennie, you're just, 
the person I want to see. What have you been 
doing in there ? 

More. 

I've been writing a letter to you, Jane. 

Bob. 

A letter ! What's the matter with conversa- 
tion ? 

More. 

I thought perhaps you would refuse to see me 
again and I wasn't going to give you up with- 
out this last appeal. 

Bob. 

[Snatching letter.'] Why should I refuse to 
see you ? You of all persons in the world ? 

[Opens letter. 



1 62 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 



More. 
But I thought — don't read it now, Jane. It'll 
sound so silly now — give it back. 

Bob. 
Oh, go on ! Ben, let me keep it. If you 
love me, let me keep it. 

More. 
Then you were only playing with me before ? 

Bob. 
Ben, I have loved you from the moment I first 
gazed into your ruby eyes. 

More. 
Jane, I'm the happiest man in the world. 

Bob. 
[ With assumed hesitancy ?\ My name is — 
not — Jane. {Hides face^ sobs. 

More. 

{After long pause. ^ What is it? 

Bob. 
Can't you guess ? 

More. 
Edna? 

Bob. 

Kitty ! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 163 

More. 
Kitty ! It might be worse. Then you are 
not Winkler's ward ? 

Bob. 
Not even his district. 

More. 
{Kissitig Bob's hair?^ But I can't give you 
up, Kitty ; it's too late. 

Bob. 
You mean you are w^illing to give up Jane 
for me ? {Rises. 

More. 
I'd give up a thousand Janes for one Kitten 
like you. {Ov.t c. 

Bob. 
Then come and write what I dictate. 

More. 
[Sitting at desk L.] I'd sign my own death 
warrant for you, Kitty. 

Bob. 

{Standing hehind chair.'] How he does love 
me ! {Kisses top of his head. Pulls out a hair.] 
He loves me ! [More squirms.'] He loves me 
nit. 



l64 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Moke. 
lTellmg^^ Ouch! 

Bob. 
Oh, is that your head, dear ? 

More. 
You must think I'm a daisy. 

Bob. 
More like a cabbage. \To him.] Now write 
— "• My dear Winkler." [More hesitates, rises, 
whispers twice in Bob's ear.] Oh, — d-double 
e-r, of course. 

More. 
[Sitting and writing.] I wasn't quite sure. 

Bob. 
Better break it to him gently, I guess. " I can- 
not marry Jane, as I love another." Got that ? 

More. 
[Spelling aloud.] " A-n-u-t-h-e-r,"— yes. 

Bob. 
" Kespectfully yours, Benjamin More." 

[Enter SuZETTE, C. 

More. 
[Writing.] "Kespectfully yours, Benjamin 
More." 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 165 

Bob. 

{Folding note.] Take that to Jane, will you, 
Suzette ? 

SUZETTE. 

Oui, Monsieur. [Exit, l. 

More. 

And now, Kitty, come to ray arms. 

[Thei/ embrace. Enter Winkler, c, 
from R. 

Winkler. 

What ! Kitty, what are you doing ? What 
do you mean, sir ? {Throws More aside, 

Morp:. 

[Frightened.'] Mean ? Fd like to know 
what right you have 

Winkler. 

You would, would you ? Yery well, I'll 

show you what right I have [Takes him 

by collar.] Kitty, you naughty little flirt, FU 
settle with you later. But you, you mean, 
sneaking, monopolizing old grafter. 111 settle 
with you outside, right now. [More struggles.] 
How many wives do you want, anyway? 
[Drags him up c] Uow dare you, sir ? Eight 
under my very nose. I'll ship you back to the 



1 66 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

agency by the first train. You ungrateful 
wretch ! 

[MoEE struggles and calls on Kitty m 

vain. Bob enjoys it. Exeunt Moke 

and WiNKLEK, c. 

Bob. 

[r.] I wonder what Bennie's love letter says ! 
[^Opens ; reads.'] "Darling Jane, my heart is 
all a-quiver with tremors of love." Wouldn't 
that scald you ? {Enter Aunt Jane, l. 

Aunt Jane. 
Young woman, have you seen my brother ? 

Bob. 

Yes, he's just stepped out on a little matter 
of business. 

Aunt Jane. 
Was there any one with him ? [Sits R. o. 

Bob. 
There was. 

Aunt Jane. 
A man? 

Bob. 
I think so. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 67 

Aunt Jane. 
My man ! Did he leave any message ? 

Bob. 
No. He didn't have time — but hold on. 
\Look% at letter in hand.'] Is yom* name Jane ? 

Aunt Jane. 

Yes. 

Bob. 

Then Ben must have meant this letter for 
you. 

Aunt Jane. 

Let me see. [Opens letter.'] " Darling Jane." 
Yes, it is for me. A love letter from him. 
*' Darling Jane, my heart is all a-quiver with 
tremors of love. [Sighs.] Don't send me 
away. Say but the word and I shall return to 
be your devoted slave forever. Benjamin 
More. ' ' [ Rises ^ presses letter to her lips. ] Sever 
in my dreams have I dared to hope for any- 
thing so divinely beautiful. I shall answer it 
at once. Should he return tell him where I 
am. Ah, Benjamin, Benjamin ! [Eodt., L. 

Bob. 
I guess I'd better get these things off before 
the fun begins. 

[StarU up R. Enter Kitty and Ting, 
C.^from R. 



l68 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Kitty. 
{Trying to get away from TiNa.] Young 
man, you are positively insulting. 

\_Goes doion l. 
Ting. 
[c. Pushing her into room^ thinking she is 
Bob.] Oh, cut it out. 

{They all discover each other at the sa^ne 
time. Ting throws up hands, tahes 
just one look, then runs off c. Bob 
and Kitty seem to he petrified for a 
moment^ then ^OB picks up his skirts 
^ and makes a grand rush out. Enter 

WiNKLEK, c, from L. Bob humps 
into him. Exit Bob. 

Winkler. 
[Seeing only Bob and calling after him.^ 
Kitty ! Kitty ! Come back here. What are 
you thinking of ? [Holds up his hands in 
horror.'] Why, the girl's insane. Kitty ! 

Kitty. 
[Down to c] Well ? 

A¥lNKLER. 

[Turning, sees Kitty for the fi/rst time.] 
What ? [I)o2vn R. c] There it is again ! 
Take it away, take it away ! That same hal- 
lucination ! [Sinks into chair, R.] Oh ! Kitty, 
are you yourself or somebody else ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 169 

Kitty. 
I don't know. 

Winkler. 
Don't know ! Well, how in thunder do you 
expect me to know, then? That wasn't you 
that went down the hall, was it ? 

Kitty. 
Certainly not. 

Winkler. 
Then who was it ? 

Kitty. 
A masquerader. 

Winkler. 
Passing herself off for you ? 

Kitty. 
Passing himself off. 

Winkler. 
Him? 

Kitty. 
Yes, that woman is a man. 

Winkler. 

{Rising^ A light begins to break in upon 
me. I thought you didn't look the same. If I 



I/O THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

ever lay hands on the villain Come on, 

Kitty, let's get after him. \Exit^ c. Goes to R. 

Kitty. 
I'm beginning to understand too. Wait for 
me, William. 

\Exit, c. EnUr Aunt Jane, l., with 
writing paper and pen-holder / goes to 
desk and proceeds to write. Enter 
Sam with trunk. 

Sam. 
Is this your trunk ? 

Aunt Jane. 
It is — not. 

Sam. 
[Going.} If Ah eber fin' de gentleman what 

owns dis heah trunk, Ah'll 

[Exit^ c. Goes R. E7iter More, c, 
from L. Limping^ clothing torn a/nd 
disarranged^ dirty face^ hut not over- 
done. 

More. 
I beg your pardon, madam. 

Aunt Jane. 
Oh ! [To herself.'] What a terrible tramp ! 
[To him.'] Go away, sir. We haven't any 
cold pieces. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 171 

More. 
Madam, what I want is a bottle of arnica. 

Aunt Jane. 

\Rising^^ Oh, dear ! Have you met with 
an accident ? 

More. 

I don't know what it was but I met with it 
all right. 

Aunt Jane. 

You poor fellow ! Perhaps my brother will 
do something. 

More. 

[Feeling of eye.] I think Mr. Winkler has 
done about all that he can for the present. 

Aunt Jane. 

[Offering money.'] Well, here's ten cents for 
you, poor wretch. 

More. 
[Throwing money down.] Madam, I guess 
you don't know who I am. 

Aunt Jane. 
I don't know and I don't want to. Leave 
the room, sir. 



1/2 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

More. 
I had hoped that there might be one member 
of the Winkler family who would treat Benja- 
min More with respect. 

Aunt Jane. 
Are you Benjamin More ? 

Moke. 
What's left of him. 

Aunt Jane. 
Benjamin More ! Oh, what have I done ? 
Benjamin, can you forgive me ? I'm your Jane, 
\Throws herself into his arms. 

Moke. 
[^Struggling.'] Madam, what are you doing ? 

Aunt Jane. 
I've read your letter, Ben,— kiss me. 

Moke. 

[Trying to get mvay.] Not for a thousand 
dollars. [Enter Winkler, c.from r. 

Winkler. 
[Pleased.'] Ah, that's more like it. Con- 
gratulations. 

More. 
Help! 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 173 

Aunt Jane. 
Sweetheart. 

More. 
"Winkler, call the keeper ! 

Winkler. 
What for ? She's yours. 

More. 
Mine? 

Aunt Jane. 
Yours. 

More. 
Never. 

Winkler. 
But you agreed to marry her, didn't you ? 

More. 
{Getting away from her.] Why, I've never 
seen this old lady before. 

Aunt Jane. 
Old lady ! Oh, Suzette, my salts ! My salts f 

[&it, L. 
Winkler. 
I see you're a member of the Ananias Club, 
sir. 



174 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

More. 
I'm engaged to marry Kitty Benders. 

Winkler. 

You dare to say that again 

{Enter Kitty, c.from r. 

Kitty. 
Have you found liim, William ? 

Winkler. 
Kitty, this person says he's engaged to marry 
you. Do you deny it ? 

Kitty. 
Oh, William, don't you understand ? [l. c] 
It's not me, but the other. 

Winkler. 
[c] What a fool I've been. 

More, 
[r. c] Is there a twin ? 

Kitty. 
Yes. 

More. 
And you're not the one who promised to 
marry me ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1/5 

Kitty. 
I'm the one who promised to have you ar- 
rested. 

More. 
Then where's my Kitty ? 

Winkler. 

Now look here, I hired you from the Matri- 
monial Agency to marry my sister-in-law and 
by Heaven I'm going to make you carry out 
the contract. 

More. 

Hired me ? Ha ! Your cablegrams didn't 
say anything about your sister-in-law. They 
implored me to come and marry your niece at 
once. Benjamin More hasn't been hired by 
any one. 

Winkler. 
Who did you say ? 

More. 
Benjamin More, of New York City. 

Winkler. 
Do you mean to say you're the Benjamin More 
I've been waiting for all day ? 

{Enter Jane, c.,from l. 

More. 
I guess I am. [Sits r. 



176 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Winkler. 

Jane, here's your husband. Somebody get a 
clergyman quick. It's a quarter to six. Ex- 
plain afterward. 

Jane. 

Here's Mr. More's refusal in black and white. 
Remember your promise. 

Winkler. 
Then you're willing to let the fortune slip ? 

Jane. 

Not at all. I've been examining that will, 
Uncle, and it says that unless Benjamin More 
marries Jane before six o'clock on the seventh 
of August, the money goes to charity. 

Winkler. 
Yery true. 

Jane. 
But it doesn't say his daughter Jane. 

Winkler. 
Well? 

Jane. 

Well, if More marries Aunt Jane won't the 
will be carried out to the letter ? 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 77 

Winkler. 
By Jove, I believe you're right, and I'll get 
the ten thousand just the same, won't I ? 

Jane. 

Of course. 

Winkler. 
And ten thousand from Aunt Jane. " Two 
stones with one bird." Benjamin, it seems to 
be your cue. 

More. 
I can't do it. I'm promised to Kitty. 

{Rises. 

Winkler. 
Now be careful. 

More. 
The other twin, of course, Winkler. 

Kitty. 
Mr. More, are you determined to marry this 
double of mine ? ^ 

More. 
Absolutely. 

Kitty. 
But if. of your own free will, you refuse her. 



1/8 THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

will you agree to accept Aimt Jane for your 
wife ? 

More. 

I am perfectly willing to make that agree- 
ment. 

{Enter Bob and Ting. Bob with red 
dress and wig behind him. 

Winkler. 
Bobbie Baxter ! 

Bob. 
[c] That's my name. 

Winkler. 

[r. c] I thought you had drowned your- 
self. 

Bob. 

[Holding up red dress.'] In the Red Sea, 
yes, but my body has just been re-covered. 
Think it over. 

Winkler. 
Grreat Joshua ! 

Ting. 

[Handing WiNKLER his glasses.] Your 
specs, Mr. Winkler. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 1 79 

Winkler. 
[Putting on glasses.] I guess I need 'em, 
you young rascals. 

More. 
What's it mean, Winkler ? 

Winkler. 
[Pointing to Bob.] It means, my dear sir, 
that there stands the beautiful creature you 
promised to marry. 

Bob. 
[In female voice.] I'm your little kitten, 
Bennie. 

More. 
But I can't marry a man. 

Kitty. 

Then according to your agreement you must 
marry Aunt Jane. 

More. 

Merciful heavens ! 

Winkler. 
[Calling of to L.] Aunt Jane, Mr. More's 
changed his mind. 

More. 
Have I ? 



l8o THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY 

Bob. 
Go on, Ben, take a chance. 

Moke. 

Oh, well, I don't care what becomes of me 
now. \Puts on smoked glasses. Exit^ L. 

Bob. 

[Putting his arm around Jane.] That 
clears the coast for us, Jane. 

Jane. 

I hope you're as glad as I am, Bobbie. 

[They sit on sofa. 

Winkler. 

[Rhiging bell on table.] Kitty, I can't spend 
that twenty thousand alone. 

Kitty. 

Then I'll retire and help you, old boy. 

[Enter Sam, c, loithpad amd pencil. 

Sam. 

Did you wanta o'dah sompin', Marse 
. Wink'er ? 

Winkler. 
Yes. A clergyman for six. 



THE ARRIVAL OF KITTY l8l 

Sam. 
[Smiling.] AhVe had him waitin' in the 
kitchen eber since mornin'. [^Eooit. 

Tixa. 

[Behind desk.] I hope you'll all spend your 
honeymoons at the Halcyon. 

Winkler. 
I guess we've spent everything else. 



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